it's not Doing, it's Not Doing

Life is pretty darn unpredictable, isn’t it?
One moment I’m in Tucson, then in Yosemite, next in a truck, ...and now I’m back in Tucson!? Sheesh! Generally, I’ve learned that it’s best to avoid making plans. Simply setting an intention & then letting it go is enough.
:o)

In fact, my (finally) learning to “let go” is the reason that we’re back in Tucson. With the help of friends, I (finally) realized that I have the habit of dominating all of my relationships.
*sigh* Yeah, I know. Not a big surprise to those who knew John in his 20’s. Happily, though, nowadays folks don’t believe how aggressively I treated my friends. It’s nice to hear.
Anyway, while my intentions were honestly positive, I didn’t realize that “force” is, within itself, a destructive...umm, force. Obtaining “power,” by its nature, is simply the first step in the cycle of conflict. “Strength” has no other purpose than to be used to overcome something. At this stage of my life, I (finally) want to let go of dominance in any form. This, I believe, is what the martial arts are for. One masters force in order to understand that it is useless. You seek power to see through the illusion of power. That’s when the practice reverses direction. We stop learning... and begin to unlearn.

...And the realization hasn’t come a moment too soon! The year of the Metal Tiger is practically upon us. Pouncing on my poor little Snake self, and introducing the world to my “argument” energy. That is, this coming year people may feel as though everything I say or do is slightly “contrary.” The river of life, rather than flowing gently alongside, will catch my nature at an odd angle. If I tense up too much, it’ll knock me over. So, I’ll use Taiji Quan skills to let the natural movement of life choose my direction. Much of that environmental qi is coming from my partner, Marina. I was always so much the silly “Master of My Universe” that all of our choices became mine. Even if I asked her for an opinion, my logic or Socratic method would direct the outcome. Yuck! So, when I learned to listen to what she wasn’t saying, it became obvious that Marina was homesick. Thus, thereby, and then, we have returned to the Old Pueblo.

Life really is unpredictable, huh?
That might be one of its bestest qualities! There is structure and cyclic order, but springing forth from that Yin, there is Yang. Bold, subtle, creative, & destructive. Always surprising, loving, gentle (at first), and hilarious. So, while we can observe the Dao and learn to prepare for the Spring, we never know how it will swirl or shape our lives. That’s how we learn to stop trying so hard. We try and fail, and try and fail, until we learn to stop trying. To do non-doing. That’s what I’m practicing here in Tucson. I will accept whatever the universe brings to my doorstep. So, life has me teaching taiji & qigong, practicing traditional Chinese medicine, running “Slow-Food” breakfast gatherings, and blogging about tea. Each day I play in the garden, romp with the dogs, and wrastle with Marina. I’ve even learned to enjoy cooking and cleaning our house. My life is spectacularly peaceful. We have an alter in our bedroom dedicated to everything important to our lives. Each day at 3:30 (ish) I roll out of bed to sit/stand/move into meditation. We play with intention circles & explore what is sacred to us. Every week I keep a kind of Sabbath, where stillness and silence hold sway; and more and more that space spreads through the rest of my week.

Much of that love for quietude comes from the time we spent trucking. Such a wonderful meditative experience! Truly transformative! China also affected a tremendous change in my life. I cannot speak for Marina, but landing in the Chen Village had left quite an imprint. (Perhaps it’s better to say that the Village landed on me?) While it’s true that the smog is unbearable, there is also something else in the air. Taiji! The martial arts soak into your skin like warm sun on a winter day. Playing a form in a location where countless thousands have mastered the same movements before you is... well, indescribable. So, I won’t try; but will only mention my hope that the family we connected with remain in our lives for the long-term. They’re wonderfully real individuals.

Specifically, it’s that “real-ness” which made it so difficult to be part of my blood family. My bullshit detector was over-worked. Not that they were much different than the rest of society; but, I didn’t feel as though I could be myself around them. The lesson learned was that a pretense was an important part of a relationship. (Again, I can only claim that such an experience is my fate, and that I probably would have lived out this pattern with any individuals.) Everyone just...tries too damn hard. Nobody relaxed into themselves, and so I never found repose. To this day, I have no idea who my blood family is, honestly. Too much self-expression would have torn the family apart. Heck, it almost did more than once! My sister said it best by stating that these are random people forced into a “bond,” and so you just assume that weirdness is part of the relationship. I’m paraphrasing, of course. Why would anyone want that kind of kinship? Do genetics and family names really matter so much? Why not just create actual, compatible tribes? The whole world is finally open to humans beyond the borders of a city or cultural barrier. Why not reach into such an opportunity?

Really though, I love hearing about the hobbies of family members. They become more like real people, with real interests. My dad’s food charity “HOPE”, for example, is totally great! Definitely something worth getting behind. (Is it an extension of the church food-movement in Oregon?) It’s even nice to hear about health problems; since illness is, at least, an honest experience.
Just as a public declaration, though, healthfulness is really much easier than as made out by the western paradigm. (Psycho-Sclerosis: Hardening of the mind.) Anyone can heal from anything, anytime. I’ve personally seen and experienced transformations which would be considered “miraculous” from a western perspective. Such moments have become part of my everyday experience. So please let me be clear:
Never settle for any mental/physical experience which is less than joyously peaceful or vibrantly healthy. Total wellness. Anything less than that is illness, and unnecessary.
Just the world of Chinese medicine offers more options for healing than any one person can fit into their lives. ...and that’s only one form of medicine. There are countless numbers of effective modalities. Simply choose one which is fun, and then dive-in head-first! Viewed from this perspective, illness/wellness is a choice. There is no such thing as being a victim. You hold ultimate responsibility in your own hands. You’d be surprised at the response given by most patients when faced with this choice. Typically, they begin by saying that they’d do anything to be healthy. However, when faced with the choice of actually embracing those opportunities, they decide that perhaps they’re not ready to change...quite yet. Maybe later. Freedom and happiness are scary! What does your ego hold on to when there is nothing left to fear? So, it fears harmony itself.

Family is such an interesting thing. Now that I’m in my 30’s, I cannot imagine what it was like for my parents to try raising children in their 20’s. Madness. No wonder they didn’t seem like real people while I was growing up. How many people are “real” in their 20’s? Just kids! And they focused their energies upon making a home/family, instead of delving into self-discovery. Now my parents are, what? In their 50’s? Nearly 60? I don’t know these people. I knew a couple of young parents, working hard to raise eccentric & extraordinary children in an emotionally repressive environment. Who’s to say how they’ve grown? My sister, as well, was only just beginning to make her entrance into the world after a protracted period of productive (possibly paranoid) preparation. What does she look like after so many years of sinking roots for fears of drought? Does she still live in a walled garden? Has she shed her thorns? What are the fruit & flower of her youth? Has Amaris yet displayed the brilliant colors of her mind? Or is she allowing herself to be pruned back into a neatly hedged bet?

Oh Amaris. Poor Amaris. She was subject to every ounce of mischief that I had (have) buried in my soul. I guess that I have always been fascinated by human nature, and used Sister as a walking (occasionally running) lab-experiment. Classic gags like the peanut butter on the doorknob & a stol...err...borrowed diary or two. I harassed her, and her friends, endlessly. I reveled in seeing how they all would react to this or that stimulus. Yet, no matter how much of a creep I was, she always managed to forgive me, and rarely brought it up again. It took me years to become that kind!

I have many memories of Mom in "creation-mode." Writing music, sculpting cakes, & designing parties at the drop of a hat. She is quite the creative-kitty! There was a time when, due to a mixture of illness and apathy, I wasn't able to finish my homework. So, she sat down and whipped-out a poem for my beloved language arts class. The prose was amazing! A confection about fog as sweet and layered as any of her pastries.
It was a dark and stormy night... (Ya gotta love those old school opening lines.) It was quiet in the city by Disneyland. Amaris was preparing for bed, and Mom was kissing her goodnight. She called out in surprise to Dad, saying that my sister's skin was vibrating. Mom could feel the oscillation as she placed her hands near the skin. She was feeling a qi field for the first time. Dad simply laughed, and told her that she was feeling energy, and that it was normal. We all went to sleep as though nothing had happened. I've since wondered what would have changed, if we had followed through with the inquiry. What if she had learned more about her own experience, or even pursued training? Self awareness always leads to interesting roads through life. Oh well...

Dad was the one who helped me break free of my own mental & emotional deadlock. His spiritually adventurous mid-life crisis somehow gave me permission to think for myself. I vaguely recall that he's a Dragon (Chinese Astrology), which explains why Pop seemed to have a different focus every week. It was wonderful for me to see that there were options in the world. Variety. We can be any way that we can imagine being! How revolutionary! His questions were the impetus for my own.

Now, I do realize the impossibility of raising me as a child. My parents, you didn’t over-control my life, and for that I thank you. I would have been easily suffocated. Heck, I could never even wear a necktie! Too restrictive! (These days I won’t even wear pants that I cannot do the splits in.) From parents, I only needed certain things, like all children. Let me resort to the scriptures that have meant much to you. From my mother I needed to hear that she has watched my life, and, “Kept all of these sayings in her heart.” From my father I needed to hear, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant. Enter now into the joy of the lord.” I still feel your fingerprints in my life and soul, and where I find those traces of your parenthood, I am glad of them. I am blessed to have been your son.

I have seen nobility and courage. I have seen selfishness and blindness. And I have seen all of these things in the same parents, raising the same children. What I understand now is this: there is no harder job than raising children. There is no human process with greater potential for fantastic achievement and awful destructiveness. ...And despite all of the experts, nobody has any idea whether any decision will be right, or best, or even not horrible for any particular child. It is a job that simply cannot be done “right”. While I do love kids, I feel pretty sure that I’ll never want to have my own. Also, while I’m happy in a long-term committed partnership, I don’t think I’ll ever like the structure of marriage. (Look! There I go again, thinking that it’s possible to plan for anything.)

So why then am I separated from my blood relations? The prodigal son, who never did come home? Well, for some reason I only have 2 settings: on & off. I’m a binary-boy. Whenever I don’t feel perfectly comfortable with something, I cut it out of my life. This habit shows up in every area of my life. When I decided to be healthy, I stopped doing things that are unhealthy. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a neurotic function (these days). I simply switched the focus of my mind, and stopped wanting things that make me feel poorly. I don’t even dream or care about the other options. I set them aside. When I discovered taiji quan, I ceased doing hard-style completely. When I set aside music, I didn’t even touch an instrument for years. When I abandoned soccer, I didn’t kick a ball for a decade. However, now that I’ve begun playing again, I jog with a ball every morning. From an astrological perspective, snakes digest one big thing at a time, and shed their skin at regular intervals. What can I say? It’s how I roll.

So what comes next? Sheesh! Weren’t you paying attention? Heck if I know! When the Universe pushes me in a new direction, I’ll let y’all know. Until then, have a wonderful year of the Tiger!
Hissss... err, I mean, Roar!
:oD

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Embracing the Way, you become embraced;
Breathing gently, you become newborn;
Clearing your mind, you become clear;
Nurturing your children, you become impartial;
Opening your heart, you become accepted;
Accepting the world, you embrace the Way.

Bearing and nurturing,
Creating but not owning,
Giving without demanding,
This is harmony.

(-DaoDe Jing)