Final Blog: Silence Is The Only Truth Anyway

Hiya friends! First, an update:

This year finds John back on a community farm in Costa Rica. (applause) Wonderfully peaceful & nourishing, loving & supportive. Lots of meditation, qigong, taiji quan, cooking, treating, gardening, building, cleaning, writing, filming, laughing, and napping. Actively, my mind is being “re-wired” & my body “re-built” as a result of awakening & the dissolution of the “I”. The ego fights for its life when threatened, doesn’t it!? Mind wants to grab hold of the idea of “mindless” & turn it into “my experience.” Then mind tries to live in a state of mindlessness. Pretty sneaky!!

Next, a message for the numerous members of my “blood family”:

I’m done writing to y’all. It’s nice to finally be able to say that without resentment or judgment. When this blog was started, the purpose was to extend a connection to a family who might have been a bit concerned about wandering kin. Thus, for years now, I’d present a bit of storyline or share an interest from time to time.

Know what I received in return? Nice letters, kind words, and encouraging thoughts. … at least, half the time. The other half included poisonous judgment, vicious sarcasm, and biting humor. Usually, I’d delete those and ignore them, preferring to pay attention to the positive statements. This morning I received another unkind letter, and… for some reason… it’s the last one.

Just to let y’all know, I’ve slowly been revealing more of my life & thoughts, and have even been considering visiting some family over a weekend. I’m a private guy, and take my time to decide things. It’s just how god plays itself out through this form. I never really bonded with my relatives, and decided early that I’m healthier without them around. Few of you know my reasons for avoiding the family in the first place, and yet many of these childish relatives imagine that they know everything. Typical.

One clear example of the toxic nature of both sides of “my” family, is in the signature of each letter. That is, all of the kind, gentle, and loving letters had a signature attached. All but one of the snarky letters preferred to remain anonymous. Of course they did. It’s just like at any one of the family get-togethers we had. People smile & hug when face to face, and then somebody leaves the room. Kids get to hear secrets because adults ignore them, and I had an earful of hateful, judgmental, shameful gossip. We all picked up the habit from each other, and it became a part of our lives. Handshake for the front, knife for the back. Signatures for the smiles, “anonymous” for the cruelty. Hilarious. While I had held out hopes that y’all had changed over the last decade, it seems clear that all is status-quo. Makes the decision to say goodbye clearly the correct choice.

I have managed to fill this life with true family. Loving, nurturing, gentle, kind, patient, and supportive. There was certainly some of that for John while growing up, but there was an equal mixture of ash in the sugar bowl. It’s just not how this life is going to be lived. It’s always been my way to simply cut-off and end anything that seems unwanted. The tendency shows up in everything John does, and the cutting of family-ties was no different. Then, or now.

This is not an attempt at cruelty or even simple coldness, though this digital text may seem that way. It’s simply not in me to invest more energy in a practice that half of the time ends with being attacked. So, please stop writing to me. It was my own mistake to include the names of friends and websites that I frequent. Now two of my friends have been spammed by people trying to force themselves into my life. That’s not loving, it’s disrespectful. When people ask for privacy, you give it. My companions don’t deserve to be subjected to your unhappiness, and neither do I.

So, in brief, I love you all. For those who wrote “anonymous” letters: fuck off. For those who wrote in good faith & kindness: the feeling is mutual, and you’ll always be loved. …But that’s not the same as wanting to be around you. Goodbye.

:o)

For my meditation buddies:

Some of you have asked about more fun practices. Try this series of observations methods, seeking to discover the essence of who you are. A straight shot to the heart of being. Ready??

We are going to start with the outside manifest world, and work our way “in”. Notice the people & the world around you. Floor, tables, chairs, friends, family, and pets. Notice that, when looking at them, there’s no “you” in them. That is, if one of them is taken away, you are still the same “person” inside. Not made more or less.

Also, “you” can observe them, which means that “you” must be separate from them to make those observations. Hopefully that makes sense. Take some time to really notice this fact. Notice any conditioning or attachments you might have to those things in the “outside” world. How does your mind react when you try to notice that they are not part of “you”? Ideally, once you deeply come to notice that there really is no “you-ness” in those objects or people, you’ll be able to let go of any need to claim them or hinge your sense of self-worth on them. This step alone can be life-changing, so spend as much time & energy as is required to make this a permanent part of your awareness. Let go.

Next, notice that those external people & objects we mentioned are really impossible to know are there. That is, we don’t experience a chair, our eyes see light that is interpreted. Our fingers feel sensation that is interpreted. In fact, all of our “outside” experiences are really just collections of perceptions gained through the 5 senses, and then interpreted by the mind. The mind does lots of things with the impressions, it draws upon emotional conditioning to put the experience into 3 categories: Like it, Dislike it, & Meh. It makes a type of moral judgment, and labels it Good or Bad or *shrug*. The intellect feels the need to name & label the sensation as “chair”, and draws upon a learned idea of “chair”. Oh yeah, and it also says, “MY chair”, which is always changing, and only shows up if you bother to notice the chair at all! Pretty ridiculous, huh? Really notice that, not only is the outside world not “you”, but it is really just a figment of your imagination and sensory guesswork. Wild! There may or may not be something out there, but you’ll never truly know; …and experiential truth is what we’re after. The point is that we are dissolving our trusty belief-structure, which holds up the world as we know it. Only then can we begin to see things as they really are. Let go.

Now it’s time to examine the truth of the body itself. Notice any apprehension arise at this thought? Many people are very resistant to discovering that they are not their body, but it’s actually quite simple. First, use the same logic that we did with the chair. Can you observe it? If so, then the “you” that is doing the observing must be separate. Also, is there a “self” in the body? Look & see for yourself. If you have a limb amputated, would there be less of “you” around? How about if you were blind, would you still be you? Of course you would, because “you” are not the body. Really take some time, perhaps days or years to solidify this knowledge through observation. This can save a ton of pain in our superficial vanity-stricken world. Don’t let it just remain a concept that you skimmed over, prove it to yourself. Let go.

How are we doing so far? Hopefully you’re willing to give this a serious effort, because it’s a pretty freakin’ amazing discovery to make for yourself. If there’s no “you” in your body or in the outside world, then you can let them go. Let them be what they are without ego investment or personal sense of loss. Now, we’ll examine the validity of having a body, the way that we examined the truth of the chair. How do you know that you have feet? Because… you feel them? Smell them? See them? Hopefully you haven’t tried tasting them, but to each their own. Just as we proved earlier, the senses are simply limited experiences interpreted by the conditioned mind. In essence, the experience of having a body is completely a mental exercise. Without a mind, you wouldn’t have an idea that you have a body. Right? In deep sleep, when there’s nobody to notice the body, there is no experience of body. Upon waking, we just accept it’s always been there, which is also a mental assumption. In fact, when you really take the time to look, the body & outside world are just collections of concepts produced by the mind. Again, the point here is to reduce the number of ideas that we use to prop up our belief structures. This will make it easier to tear them down later. No pressure. Just let go.

After the proper work, at this point, the interest in finding truth outside of the mind is probably waning. Our whole world seems to be a construct of the mind, and with practice it’s possible to experience that directly. Now, let’s unpack the mind a bit. There are thoughts that talk about us, so we must be the mind, right? Well, let’s use the same skills that we’ve been cultivating, and put the mind to the test. Are you able to observe the mind? Who is observing the mind? It must be “you”, and yet where is that observation coming from? Is the mind observing itself? Think of the last time you were engaged in a daydream. Remember how the dream was doing its thing, and then suddenly “you” became aware the fantasy was occurring? Where were you before that? The mind was fully busy, and yet there was no awareness there. In essence, there is awareness and there is mind, but they are different. People who live entirely in their head will have trouble with this one, because they cannot conceive of a world outside of their mind. Dancers will have had more difficulty with removing a sense of “self” from the body, but might perceive this distinction about the mind more easily. So, take your time and expend whatever energy is required to prove this to yourself. Also, it can be helpful to ask if you are less when your thoughts vanish. If you forget a memory, or change your mind about tacos, does your essential “self” change too? Of course not, because you are not your mind. Prove this to your own satisfaction before moving on. Let go.

Now that you can see the mind more clearly, begin to develop your awareness of the process of being aware. It takes some practice, so be patient. This is separate, as we’ve seen, from the mind experience and the body-mind experience. At this point, it’s extremely useful to use your awareness of the mind to release some conditioning that keeps you caged within “self-destruct” mode. The mind is naturally selfish & competitive, but that’s just its nature. However, many people have particularly insidious and damaging mental habits, and these will make your progress toward awakening more difficult. By observing them clearly from the perspective of awareness, and allowing them to be as they are, they begin to heal. That is, if you think “I’m never going to be happy, I should just give up.” First, become awake enough to notice the thought as it passes through your head. (Practicing with the “6 Meditation Steps” video series I posted will help develop those skills.) Then, rather than judging the thought as good or bad, or trying to rid yourself of it, simply remain quietly aware, and let it go. Anything else only perpetuates the problem. Remain in awareness, observing the mind & mind-body, and let things be as they are. This is a powerfully healing practice, and will transform your way of being in the world. Naturalness is what we are cultivating, and non-doing is the most natural state. Let go.

The next step will take us beyond, or prior to, the mind. Because it reaches toward the formless, it’s important to know that there’s nothing there to “keep” your attention. The mind makes lots of noise, and so it’s easier to constantly identify with that chaos as “self”. This is why, at this point, many masters say that you must choose to devote your entire experience of reality to the exploration of the absolute, otherwise it won’t be enough. 100% or nothing, because a little attachment is a complete belief in the mind & conditioning. Awareness directed inward, rather than lost outward. This does not mean living in a cave, just don’t allow the main effort of life to be lost on believing the dualistic world. You’ll soon see that it actually takes effort to leave the absolute, and to return to the infinite requires no work. If you truly did nothing, you’d remain one with the Dao. So, in essence, we’re just asking you to chill-out a bit. To commit yourself whole-heartedly to the search for truth, and the attainment of real happiness. Genuine love. A quest for god. A pilgrimage to the temple of being. A road-trip to the house of cosmic pancakes. Let go, and get extra syrup on your consciousness.

So, now it’s time to bring awareness to rest upon awareness itself. Notice the noticing. Sense the sensing. Watch as awareness moves around the body & mind, doing its thing. This may take some training, and in fact all of these steps may have taken you months of cultivation to follow-through. This awareness resting in awareness, however, is a significant change. Notice how the mind slows down considerably when awareness is centered on itself? Now, turn your head from side to side with your eyes open, keeping awareness clearly centered on itself. Notice how the mind still kept track of what’s around you, and the body still had senses and movement on track without the direct guidance? It’s almost as if there was no “you” there in the first place! They just do their thing, without a “self” thinking thoughts or feeling feelings. Pretty amazing, huh?

This phase of your observation will be particularly meaningful for you, because at this stage the vast majority of all suffering disappears. Just keep awakened awareness settled upon itself. When the mind & body aren’t building attachment with the help of an identified awareness, then there is no suffering. Things happen, but there’s not a “you” there to respond to them. Heck, there never really was a “you” there anyway, right? Just a case of mistaken identity. The trick, here is to stay awake. Don’t slip back into the dream world. Move slowly, stay quiet & calm, and develop the new habit of awareness.

Many meditators are happy to stay at this phase, because it’s so very pleasant. They report the “state of one-ness” that is felt when awareness rests in itself. They abide in that space and “identify” with it, saying that everything is one, and connected, all light, etc. etc. etc. The only issue here is that we haven’t yet applied our tools to see if this is really “us”. Can we observe awareness? Yes. It’s almost as though we can look at it, and describe it, even though we’re using awareness to do it. The “you” must still be something outside or prior to that awareness. Also, we’re still abiding in a state of dualism. “One-ness” is still a thing. An experience. Subject to conceptual interpretation, and has an opposite. There is no “personal self” within awareness, but there is still an “I”. This is not the true nature of being. Go one step further. Let go.

Behind & before awareness, where you are able to observe it from, rests a kind of void. This may require a guide to help you dissolve into, since it isn’t a concept or thing to be noticed. That space that has no name, no description, no experience, is the ultimate & absolute. It’s neither empty nor full. Present or absent. Notice that in this space there is no “I”, or anything else. Complete inner rest. Just totality beyond description, so I leave it to the poets like Rumi & Hafiz.

In fact, if you find yourself having an “experience”, then your mind is just playing tricks on you. If you find yourself presented with a vision, or visitation from an angelic being, or physical explosion; be patient, smile, and then ignore it. The absolute has no form to be recognized or related. Don’t add commentary or try to hold on to this awareness. The holding is what moves you out of this, your only true being.

For Christian friends, I recommend developing awareness of this “space” or “void”. This is where god dwells, and is the only space that’s beyond mind enough to perceive without projection. Stay there, forever, in the only space of truth. Perhaps “grace” or “luck” will happen and total & permanent “awakening” or “enlightenment” or “eggroll” occurs. It can’t be controlled, and there’s nobody to do the controlling anyway. No awakening, no awakener, or awakened. Or whatever.

At this point, you can see how the world becomes created through mind. In deep sleep there is simply awareness without mind identification, and no world exists. Then you wake up, and awareness becomes awareness of “itself”, which creates an “I” and a whole world of consciousness is created. Then it searches around, and builds a mind which can identify what it is, and becomes a “self” by creating an “I AM”. Then you open your eyes and feel your body and now have the ability to figure out what sort of “am” you are, and the world of “I AM THAT” is built. Awareness now reaches through the creation of mind-body to build a world, and breaks wholeness into a million pieces, this & that, good & bad, me & not me. Daoists say that WuJi creates 1, …1 makes 2, …2 give birth to 3, …and the 3 make the 10,000 things. Christians say that God dwelt in the void, then a word comes, and then there is light & dark, good & bad, …then come beings …and choice, and then the world explodes beyond the borders of the garden. All different expressions of the same fundamental experience that anyone can have. I give it 2 illusionary Thumbs-Up!

If you really did join me on this particular observation journey, then you don’t need anything anymore, and don’t care anyway. In any case, this is the unfolding of the John story, and has been quite a ride. The quest to cultivate stillness has uncovered absolute stillness, which was always there anyway. There is nothing but that stillness, playing the game of life through the character called “John”, moving toward itself like a river joining the sea.

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Greet Yourself

In your thousand other forms

As you mount the hidden tide and travel

Back home.

All the hemispheres in heaven

Are sitting around a fire

Chatting

While stitching themselves together

Into the Great Circle inside of

You.

- - Hafiz

Untended Garden

Lately, I haven’t had much use for this computer. Marina & I will watch a movie or an anime series, and then use it as an oversized MP3 player. Thus, letters don’t get written and e-mail becomes progressively less patient. Many of the tasks that are planted when I’m caught up in some attachment become untended seedlings when awareness stops cultivating them. This happens less & less often, but the garden of John’s life does look a bit haphazard to the critical eye. Unfinished projects & wildflowers scatter the scene. However, when stillness moves and a single new seed is introduced, the landscape of this experience changes dramatically. These are the only plants that will be enjoyed long-term, as they require no effort to maintain. Native plants, as it were. Slowly, season-by-season of now, we’ll experience what an un-affected John-life looks like.

Isn’t it funny how easy it is to be caught-up in random fantasy? Some experience leads to drama, building upon concepts & fed by fear, etc. (…etc., etc., etc…) Lately the dream unravels pretty quickly. It can only be built upon the fiction of “self”, which feels too odd & unreal to stick around for more than a few minutes. ...But those few minutes can lead to enormous noise! Physical changes spur mental concepts making a feedback loop into growing emotions & further physical tension and even more turbulence. No wonder it becomes so easy to catch!! As those sensations become evident, a simple return to presence pulls the plug on the whole cycle. Nowadays it’s a nearly unconscious shift. The experience of a physical body alone, which seeks relaxation & avoids tension, will use sensation as a wake-up call to awareness. Mind, only seemingly separate from body, can notice a different “feel” of “now” vs. “dream”. That is, when doing its thinky-thing & categorizing experience, or simply inventing experience outside of now. The mind is definitely a useful tool, but only when we give it a job it can handle. Planning out strategy for playing the game of Go? Yes. Memorizing medical patterns? Sure. Discovering the nature of self & non-duality? Umm… not so much.

"So?" I get the question almost weekly, “How are things going?”

What answer can I make? “Yes, they seem to be continuing to go.”

When there is no shattering of experience into sweet & sour, there is only this continued experience of… experience. In order to be polite, one has to invent a dualistic idea which cannot describe anything. It's what we all do. It's what society is based upon.

Like I’ve said before, to answer their actual unspoken question, “This body is becoming healthier & more relaxed, though changing with age. The mind is becoming more focused & capable of thinking. The experience of emotion is still a blend of physical sensation & however much mental attachment I pour into it. (However, the experience of quiet, unchanging bliss that is the nature of awareness is ALWAYS present… but I’m not labeling it as emotion here.)

In short, "I feel fantastic!" This tends to work best.

John’s Taiji Quan is improving, and my knowledge of its possibilities is also growing. (Relatively, of course, this makes it seem that my Taiji is getting steadily worse, which shows how silly mental judgments are.) Not teaching very often, though running some pretty poorly attended classes upon request. My silk coiling (twining up from the ground) has improved tremendously after Master Xiaoxing showed us how to move the hips correctly. The experience of coiling moving up & down the body like liquid fire is really worth developing; but the feeling of the hips & shoulders moving together is even more pleasant! The universe continues to place at my doorstep the prospect of learning to do an “internal” fajin. That is, to touch someone lightly on their body with any part of my own, and to make that person bounce away through a wave of energy that transmits through physical mass without obvious external movement (like a hydraulic pressurization). Just like you might see on a bad “kung fu flick”, it seems unreal. The fact is, though, that it does exist! I’ve been bounced around with a nearly invisible movement. It’s funny, this sort of “magical” martial power is the reason that I pursued the internal arts to begin with. They remained hidden for the first decade of practice, and only when I stopped caring about marital skill did they make their appearance. (This universe really does handle timing & synchronicity well, and has an awesome sense of humor!) At first, I showed it no interest at all. What would I want to throw people around for? And it kept coming back. And again. …And again. It even found me when I was in Costa Rica. Seriously, what’s it all about? Once I released my distaste & resistance to martial concepts, I noticed it consistently making appearances in John’s life. However, it wasn’t until a friend mentioned its possible uses in a clinic that my ears pricked up. The ability to send controlled waves of movement into an area of stagnation? Different than qigong & without wasteful needles? Hmmm, this sounds much more useful. So, perhaps this will be the next course of John’s life, or maybe it was just presented to dissolve aversions toward martial techniques. We’ll see how these ideas progress.

The experience of connecting with the land in Costa Rica changed life enormously. Now, I find myself spending more time in the garden than any other place. Planting, or sitting quietly, it’s one of the few expressions of sanity here in Babylon. Learning about soil, seasons, waste, water in the desert, and the joy of food you have a relationship with. Our backyard is developing quite a nice little micro-climate. The Gaiam environment along the river will always remain my ideal of physical experience. My body craves that feeling! Our body/mind is part of our environment and will synchronize with the space we’re in. (Although even this statement shatters wholeness into one, and one into two, and is illusion. It’s necessary to butcher experience in order to express with language, …so everything I write here the best I can do… & totally untrue.)

Also, cultivating my home-life has become a constant pastime. Nourishing a relationship with Marina, cleaning the house, playing with the dogs, throwing-out clutter, etc. It’s amazing how many “weeds” can spring-up in a home due to neglect or mistreatment! Pull them out by the roots early & often. Watering the “soil” through communion & making space for new growth is really important. Also, be prepared to let things die when the season passes. And, always, shine the light of awareness upon anything you want to grow. This is the greatest secret to our success!

There should be two different words for love in English. One for romantic love or the affection we feel for our “loved ones”, and one for the experience of one-ness which arises after freeing ourselves from the myth of separation. Maybe that’s compassion? I’m not sure which word might be used here. One is conditional, the other is not. If one hand is cut while slicing carrots, the other hand quickly stops the bleeding & helps the healing process. It’s not done through a sense of obligation, morality, kindness, appreciation, or anything else. The hand helps because it’s not separate from the other hand. Right? The same body. Different tissues, but they are one. The aid lacks an emotional or mental context, and that’s how you know it’s real. So, what I might call “real love” is not possible to experience (through the mind) until one has disengaged the concepts of self & other. Until then, it’s all just a kind of self-ishness. Not that it matters, since the universe is the same whether or not we acknowledge it mentally.

Someone said something like, “Wisdom is knowing that we are nothing. Love is knowing that we are everything.” The funny thing about this love is that it’s not shaped the way in which I expected it to be shaped. That is, I no longer feel the need to treat injury or illness in myself… or in others. I no longer feel compelled to heal myself, or my environment. I used to imagine that an awakened person would want to devote their lives to the poor, or to healing the sick, or whatever. Instead, I no longer see anything wrong with anything. So the compulsion to heal is gone. The need to “fix” can’t exist if the concept of “broken” is missing. So to are gone the concepts of “sacred” and “worthy”. What does this mean? Well, I don’t give treatments very often anymore, since sickness is the same as health. I don’t crusade for causes since right is the same as wrong. I don’t try to be a nice person since good is the same as bad. I don’t try to share the internal arts with everyone since my reverence for the past & future is gone. I don’t strive to change my life circumstances since all experience is essentially the same peaceful expression of wholeness. It’s all one, yo! (Although even “one” is too many…)

One funny side-effect of disconnecting a sense of “self” from this body, is that taking care of it has become more enjoyable. That is, to develop a healthy body which functions well.

In the same way, when releasing a sense of “I” from the mind, there’s a desire to care for the mind. That is, to develop a healthy mind which functions well. To do this I’ve been using training tools to strengthen the capacity to focus, to strategize, and to memorize. The games like go, new meditation methods, and memory mnemonic techniques have been very helpful!

Folks often ask about our time in Costa Rica. Typically, when I’m done describing the experience, they ask why in the Hell we’re back in Tucson. That’s a tough question to answer without the above explanation occurring first. In almost every way, living on the farm was superior to a life in Tucson. (For example, it’s healthier to live a gentle farm life in pristine environment with local fruits & veggies, and a conscious community. Right?) However, when the need to force change upon an experience vanishes, then you’re left wherever you are. That’s Tucson. My only life “anchor” is Miss Marina, and she wants to build a life in her hometown with the teahouse. Thus, until the flow of qi changes direction, this is where I stay. You all, however, are encouraged to make the move to Costa Rica right now. Do it. Go. It's amazing.

At this moment of experience, there’s no way I can relate to where John’s life grows next. I have a few ideas, but those rarely take shape anyway. This time, rather than imagining that “I” can force the “world” to do something for “me” (as opposed to doing something against me?), the actions will happen on their own. Each moment takes care of itself. SO much easier!

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The freedom you look for is where you look from. Happiness is a direct experience arising from your innate nature.

-Jac

Chains of Joy

As this Tiger year draws to a close, I’m glad to say that I’ve had some interesting experiences. There is definitely an overall feeling of “2 steps forward, 1 step back” during the Snake’s argument year. If I have a future, I’ll listen to the desire to become a hermit during the Boar & Tiger years.

Case in point, I’ve left Costa Rica and returned to Tucson. Marina had remained in Tucson to work through some of her own obligations, while I established a home & practice with Gaiam. After a couple of months, though, she was experiencing a bit of emotional difficulty. There was no way I could enjoy myself in paradise while she was unhappy in the desert. So, 1 step back. (At least, that’s how it felt at the time.)

Since that time, perspective has changed dramatically. Perspective, in fact, has been lost entirely.

When Lian & I were teenagers, we used to talk about this awareness that there was the “Big Me” & the “little me.” The Big Me was this larger, indefinable awareness that did not have opinions or personality (other than a definite & odd sense of humor), and was the absolute source of said little me. The little me had a name (John Ryan Mattox), history, and preferences (jazz, strong women, martial arts, beef burritos, life drawing, video games, & soccer). When we’d talk about our experience of a concert or art exhibit, there would usually be two discussions: one from the Big perspective & one from the little perspective. We never entertained the delusion that there was a true “self” which could be built up in any way that mattered. It always seemed obvious that while little Lian really cared about her grades, Big Lian knew that they held no genuine worth.

Using this basic knowledge of the difference between ego-self & “spirit” (awareness, consciousness, god, emptiness, whatever) allowed me to reach a kind of emotional liberation at a very early age. That is, I could feel happiness and be caught up in excitement; and when something happened which might make me unhappy, I’d take refuge in knowledge of no-self. See? I could have my cake & eat it too!

The only problem was that while I had been liberated from unhappiness, I still had an attachment to happiness. A Zen-monk once said that while it’s easy to free yourself from hell, it’s much more tricky to free yourself from heaven. So true! I had no idea that I had been lashed to the wheel of good & bad by creating enjoyment. Sounds funny when spoken aloud or written down, but seeking joy is still seeking, which is misery. The control of emotion was, obviously, happening in a space of control (tension) and was therefore unnatural. John was the master of good & bad in the way that a horse is the master of his cart. Pretty hilarious, really!

There was also the destructive sense of “I” making an appearance within this Big Me concept, which gave me so much power to enslave myself. There was nothing important in the little me’s life, but there was importance in the knowledge of Big Me. This created the illusion of separation and a very sneaky sense of self. The freeing of my mind was happening WITHIN mind. Ha!

So, there has been much awkwardness in attempts at explanations of enlightenment. None really fit, because our language & mind are rooted in dualism (“this” & “that”), when there really is no such thing. Any musician knows that you want to play soft & loud at the same time. Anything exists because of creating & destroying at the same time. In the martial arts we want to swing soft & hit hard. The entire DaoDe Jing is filled with these seeming paradoxes. Right? However, we all know that reality is always “both & neither.” We all experience this, yet we choose to communicate about those experiences with language that cannot communicate anything about those experiences. …and then we wonder why our relationships don’t work. So, that being said, I’ll give it a shot. Friends have been asking about my odd behavior recently, and I’d like to try to share my recent awakening.

Recently I was taking a bath during a new moon. This felt like a great time to practice “letting go,” and so I used sea salt for purification, and turned the soaking into a deeply cleansing ritual. There was deep breathing, qigong “purging” exercises, singing, and a simple meditation. This frees my mind from certain concepts of “self” & clinging. I am a collection of experiences: a sensation here, a sound there, a sight over there, a sound somewhere else, a thought floating around, etc. Somewhere in those sensations we usually decide to make a self, even though when examined there is no such being to be found. (I usually feel like that history teacher in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” calling “Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?” with no response. When sought out in the role call of existence, there is no self to stand up.)

Often during qigong, I would experience this when my awareness/qi would sink down into the earth or expand out into the heavens. The earth would be breathing this body, and I would become everything; or the universe would simply swallow me so that I’d become nothing. Same experience from two different directions. Eventually, even these concepts of Heaven & Earth vanish, since they’re only ideas that become deconstructed by no-thingness. (It’s funny that Daoist practices dissolve Daoism.)

Then, for no apparent reason, instead of identifying with the idea of Me, I identified with the void, where Me/me was just a concept. So suddenly I’m sitting there believing that “I” am nothingness. The two just canceled each other out. There was no “I” left. Mathematically, if we have a random integer we’ll call… “I”, and there is an equation showing that I=0, …then I is zero.

The mind stopped. Awareness sat there pointing & laughing; just the emptiness that is everything. There is only this consciousness, and it is empty. Totally hilarious! (See? I told you that it has an odd sense of humor.)

Why did it happen? Was it some special technique? The bath? The astrological timing? Probably not. Really it just seems like it was an accidental awakening… a mistake. Like a slapstick pratfall. (Oops, dropped my mind & broke it. Dangit!)

Or like a memory that we really shouldn’t have forgotten in the first place. (You slap your forehead. Doh!)

Sometimes when I look in the refrigerator for something, I can’t see that it’s right in front of my face. I ask Marina, as the Goddess of Lost Things, to help me find it. “Marina where’s the freakin’ salsa?!?” (pause) “John, it’s right there in front, where it says ‘salsa’ in bright red letters.” (embarrassed pause) “Oh. Thanks.” (sigh)

Seems so obvious and impossible to have missed. It really is useful to have the obvious pointed out over & over …& over. At the same time, the only real method is silence. Once again, both are true.

Days past without the ability to hold a meaningful conversation or engage in anything I wasn’t directed to do. There has been no taiji quan, no qigong, no meditation… and again, simultaneously there has been a constant & effortless qigong & meditation state. Much of the time has been spent staring at the walls in wonder, or hitting balls on a pool table when Marina wants to go out on the town. Some days I don’t eat, and many nights I don’t sleep, yet I feel quite well. My body is changing dramatically as well, though I don’t yet understand how. New abilities & information have been manifesting themselves, yet there hasn’t been a desire to explore. No need to practice. No desire to learn. No needs or desires of any kind. There was a dissolving of the world as a group of distinctions: yes & no, me & you, like & dislike, awake & asleep, etc. I had built up an entire world in my mind.

Also uncovered is a kind of happiness which was covered up by mind before. It is a kind of contentment which is not dependent or based upon anything at all. It is completely unchanging and a product of anything. This sensation is just the experience of awareness itself. As I write this, I’m compelled to explain that it’s unchanging, but very dynamic. There is movement & a bubbling laughter inherent within this kind of joyful stillness. It’s always been there, but has been either ignored or attributed to some thing-ness elsewhere. (The reason I mention this feeling is to help friends understand that this is not some sort of depression or dissociative disorder, which was mentioned by a housemate.)

Marina has been so gentle, patient, understanding, willing, loving, quiet, and generally fantastic! How others awaken without a Marina of their own is a mystery. I’ve heard of many people ending up in mental hospitals, as they’ve literally lost their minds. Maybe they find themselves on the street, wearing nothing but a contented smile. There’s just no place in typical society for perfect naturalness. Everything is based upon contrivance and control. I feel so fortunate to have been given the chance to experience life on Gaiam, where a journey into the void is valued. Where wisdom of the heart is worth more than academic scholarship. How did I become so lucky?

So? Where do I stand now?

Nowhere. And on nothing.

There’s no plan. No past. There is stillness until movement shows up on its own, and then there is stillness again. Where it leads is not under control. As you can imagine, this does not jive well with a structured schedule. Luckily my friends are kind, flexible, and take bribes.

Still dealing with my conditioning, habits, body memory, linguistic training, etc. I still engage regularly with the world “outside;” only without any particular relationship forming.

I don’t think I’ll ever work for personal growth again. The search for enlightenment is happening within enlightenment. The hunt for awareness happens within awareness. It’s as though I was an ocean wave working hard to be wet.

This very nearly did not get written, because there is no longer a need to express myself. Thanks to those of you who kept asking how things were going.

---

As this is realized, and it can only be realized now because life is only now, it is seen that no word, idea, philosophy, belief system, or pointer could ever get you any closer to 'This' that you already are. 'This' is so simple, obvious, and immediately close that it is missed as soon as you go looking for it or as soon as you start trying to find it in thought...

-EdJi

A child, dreaming of sculpting stunning sandcastles.

Splashing seawater to scrub the sand from the spires.

Catastrophe! The cure collapses the castle!

Revived, he realizes there really was no water.

Wakened, with no word worth whispering.

Simply a sigh, a slow step,

-And a satisfied, silly smile.

My Great Miracles

The Denver Airport looks like an overturned caterpillar, and is filled with vacant shops & hallways. There is also a small chapel, quiet & fragrant. That’s where I chose to spend my layover, meditating in standing posture. After a time, a tall dark stranger tapped me on the shoulder asking what I was doing. When I mentioned the universal password “tai chi” he brightened and told me he knew all about the practice. He intoned a common social-spell for this situation, “I have a friend who’s a master.” I thought, “Of course you do.” (It seems that everyone knows a martial arts master, has seen a ghost, & claims Native American ancestry.)

Now, when talking with folks about practicing these “mysterious & strange” internal arts, lots of questions arise. Everything from concerned “what’s the point?” to sarcastic “can you fly?” In this case the query was, “My friend can do the death-touch, have you learned it yet?” (sigh) “No, but I can eat when I’m hungry, sleep when I’m tired, and laugh at something funny.” When I laughed, he didn’t, so I gave him a mini-bagel instead. A mini-bagel beats an olive-branch any day.

Since these kinds of questions are pretty common in my life, I thought I’d reveal the great secrets of my accomplishments. The towering heights of staggering skill!

:o)

(Everything in this list derives from an actual question I’ve received, and every success stems recently & directly from a practice.)

No, I cannot yet throw an opponent a great distance with the lightest touch of my fingers. However, I can BE thrown in a match without anger, struggle, fear, embarrassment, or sense of loss. Yow! I am invincible! Feel my power!

No, I can’t fall into the splits after executing a back handspring. But I do have capacity for deep & flexible movement; and all without the slightest bit of stiffness or weakness, despite a lifetime of illness & injury.

Nope, sorry, I don’t have the ability to levitate while meditating in full-lotus. That being said, I can sit/stand in stillness with a quiet mind, great clarity, and an open heart. Feel the Earth tremble!

As far as I know, I cannot ring a bell or extinguish a candle with only the strength of my shout. (Unless I yell, “Hey! Put out that candle!”) Luckily, after much work, I have eliminated painful sarcasm, negative sentiments, and passive-aggressive tendencies from speech.

No, I’ve never developed the ability to astral-travel or clearly observe an aura. Deep & restful sleep without interruption through the night, waking up refreshed & alert? Ah, wonderful.

Can neither generate electrical shocks with my fingertips nor start fires with my gaze. But I can say that I will do something, and then to do it. Shazam!

Can’t receive full-power strikes to my throat or testicles without injury. Can approach challenge, confrontation, & obstacles peacefully without tension or aggression.

Sit in the snow with minimal protection and no sense of discomfort? Heck no! Healthy bowel movements, once per day, like clockwork? Absolutely! (Folks don’t appreciate the joy of poop until they lose the ability.)

Nah, I won’t freeze water with a touch or live solely on the energy gained by breathing. (At least for very long.) But I will eat delicious healthy meals without distraction or overeating. Gadzooks!

No, I can’t bi-locate or appear & disappear at will. (Except on Facebook.) However, my home-life is very clean, ordered, quiet, and filled with love.

Unlike the Naz, I cannot walk on water or turn it into wine. But I can turn water into tea, and be very peaceful, present, and joyful as I sip.

It’d be useful, but I haven’t learned telepathy or thought projection yet. But with Marina’s help, I’ve developed a capacity for honest & expressive emotional communication. Jinkies!

Fitness? Well, I don’t torture my body by running a marathon or by developing 6-pack abs. But I can engage in a day filled with activity without physical or mental fatigue.

Never have I been given a “super-secret indoor technique” or granted discipleship with a great master. But I have learned to give generously without feeling like I’m giving-away, and to be genuinely happy at the success of others. Ta-da!

No, I have not practiced the commonly claimed capacity of “remote viewing.” However, I can see what’s in front of my eyes without altering the vision.

Never tried mind-altering drugs to gain short-lived spiritual insight about the cosmic nature of the body. Yet I can feel breath move through every centimeter of my body. Aware of the complementary pulses of the heart, circulating blood, expanding cerebrospinal fluid, etc. Trippy!

It is true that I haven’t become fluent in Mandarin or Spanish, or memorized all of the Chinese medicinal herb functions. I do, though, clearly know the thoughts of mind and the sensations of body. To observe them as they appear & disappear without attaching a sense of meaning or “self.” No reference guide necessary.

This person of “John” is not well-known, does not have a nice car (or any car), a big house, nice clothes, a prestigious job, or more than one gorgeous lady. (I haven’t had a sparkly “grill” since the braces back in high school.) However, John can play movement with a genuine sense of interconnection/wholeness between body, mind, & breath. Between Earth & Sky, and the surrounding world. (Less shiny or likely to make me rich, but a better investment.)

I have never had visions of angels, received communications from alien superbeings, or experienced a past-life. But I have recently been gifted with a capacity to spend each day fully awake, truly joyful, and filled with life.

Thank you to my teachers whom I’ve never equaled, and to the friends who allowed me to mature at their expense. Thanks to the ancient practices that I’ve only scratched the surface of, & to the generosity of my community. …And thanks to you for taking the time to read my little blog.

:oD

These are the skills I’ve gained. I am very satisfied! This is my gongfu.

---

“Many spokes share the wheel’s hub;

Yet it is the center hole that makes the wheel useful.

If you form clay into a vessel;

It is the space within that makes it useful.

Cut doors and windows for a room;

And what is not there is what becomes useful.

Therefore, benefit comes from emptiness;

Usefulness from what is not there. ”

—Dao De Jing (Chapter 11)

I Feel Roots Growing...

For many years I've set my sights upon finding a place to live & to help nurture a community. Guess what!? We've found a home in Costa Rica! Hooray!!!

We've decided to settle on a small but growing farm in the mountains within the rain-forest. We rest alongside a river and are surrounded by gorgeous growing things. I love every inch! The farm is founded upon biodynamic principals, which means that every action taken is in accordance with the cycles of nature, and with positive intentional ceremony. Doing less, allowing nature to be in control, and listening. Very Daoist, really. It's precisely something that I'd hoped for, and the guy running the farm is incredibly knowledgeable and hardworking. Awesome! The goal is to become completely self-sufficient. The food that comes out of the earth here is remarkable. We're designing the space around loving the plants and animals here, and you can spot the difference with a simple visual inspection.

(Did I mention that you can literally put a stick into the ground & it will sprout?)

There aren't many folks living here currently. The space was mostly built-up by volunteers and visiting experts who did some great work and then went back home. Thomas is an amazing guy who has lived an amazing life. He is willing to front his life-savings and social security to make a space possible for others. The plan is to design some sort of land-trust here in Tico, which will take some expertise. He is really careful about the folks he allows to come here, and is trying to craft an all-star gathering. Marina and I feel super lucky to have been accepted here. High quality locals make for a high quality community. Tom speaks often about creating a "field" which is filled with positive intention. Folks with destructive thoughts can spread that potential to the rest of the space. More importantly, the creative potential of a joyful & loving mind is tremendous! This is the most important gift I hope to bring to the world. :-)

By the way, our computer hasn't arrived yet. I'm slowly typing this on the iPhone, so this post won't be too long.

The space already has two happy dogs and grey cats. That's wonderful because we hope to make a space where our own pups can feel free to be themselves in a less restrictive atmosphere. We love our furry family!

Funny enough, we had only intended to visit CR for a couple weeks to check it out. But... When we got here it just seemed ...right. It helps that it's amazingly beautiful, temperate, filled with chilled out Ticos, has no military, a determination to be 100% green by 2020, and is #1 on the Happy Earth scale. We are only 30 miles or so from an incredible beach, and 20 minutes or so from a good sized city. The weather is always between 65 & 80 degrees, and gets a comfortable amount of rain in the evening for half of the year. Not too many mosquitoes, too much humidity, or scary tropical diseases. There is even a huge farmer's market nearby that we visit weekly. Many folks travel for over an hour to visit the market, but we only drive about 20 minutes. Perfect!

Each morning I rise at 3 to do some seated meditation in bed. Around 4 I walk 5 minutes across the farm under a gorgeous dark sky to do standing posture meditations near the river on our wooden practice platform. All year 'round the sun rises at 5:30, and we begin our qigong play. At 6:30 the sun is cresting Chiripo mountain and we start our Taiji Quan forms. 8 o'clock rolls around and it's time for a huge and tasty breakfast. I hope to share the table with my friends soon! The rest of my day is spent cleaning, gardening, giving treatments, studying Spanish, reading, and laughing. I spend at least one purposeful hour per day nourishing my relationship with Marina. (If I can spend so much time doing preventative practices for my health, how much more important are my relationships?)

There are still a few friends who we have a desire to live alongside. I really hope they choose to join us here! (You know who you are.) There is land and space available around, even next-door. Not a huge amount of room available on any one plot of land, if the desire is to not over-burden the earth. The spaces next-door are selling soon, so don't wait too long to jump into the mix! It would be tons of fun to expand this community without crowding together. Perhaps grants are available for fully natural farms, communal healing spaces, and a free-clinic for the locals? Many of my friends have mentioned that they feel a shift coming for the world. If that means a vibrational/spiritual transformation, a collapse of western society, the melting of the ice caps, the "rapture," or the coming of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who can say? Everyone has an opinion, and most think it would be good to move to a place like this. So why wait? Is there even time to wait?

One major change in my life has to do with my vegetarianism. I had a meditation which was a bit profound. It has changed the way in which I view plant-life. To shorten a very long discussion, I no longer consider plants less sentient than animals. So, why eat plants but not animals? Veganism has done wonders for my health. I guess suffering is the important piece I'd like to avoid; and I like that my sense of compassion is slowly expanding to include other beings. It wasn't so much my intellect as my heart which led me to a veggie lifestyle. Wouldn't it be funny if my heart led me back to eating animals? At this moment, I still eat like a vegan, ...but I'm not sure how these feelings will evolve. I'll wait for clarity before making a choice. Stillness is always the most useful tool in my arsenal.

Since arriving here, for the most part, I haven't spent any time indoors. Even our room is open to the evening air (and one visiting feline). This time spent in natural surroundings has really changed the way I see myself! Our environment alters our mind/body so enormously that it's important to flee the cities. We are not islands. There is no independent "self." We are transformed by our home, community, diet, actions, etc., and they must be chosen with love and guidance. What is the perfect space for you and your family? The more time I spent in unnatural surroundings, the more I craved unhealthy things. Power, attention, respect, luxury, etc. I considered studying higher-level martial skills (like the ability to throw people with only a light touch and tiny movement), only so that I could show-off and be considered "powerful." Otherwise it's a useless skill. Better to spend those hours cleaning house or strengthening relationships. Right? Which use of time actually improves my quality of life? It's hard to see clearly, though, when immersed within the madness of society.

Perhaps the most difficult aspect of this transition is my distance from Marina & the dogs. She went back to Tucson in order to tie up the loose strings of our former life. (She's really good at that.) With a little help from friends and family they'll return home to Gaiam with the new year. Fingers crossed! I remained here so that they had a home to come to; preparing the space for 2 gringos and 4 dogs, learning the way around, finding TCM clients, and generally getting the hang of a new culture. (I've discovered I'm good at that.) It's very convenient to have one person in each place. Quite practical, but ...I do miss my little family.

Not certain what will be happening next, but I have absolute faith in the universe. Life is amazing!

---

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

Tyger! Tyger! Burning bright!

Happy new year of the Metal Tiger! (Xin Nian Kuai Le!!)

With the coming of spring and this new year, I’ve decided to slither out of hiding and begin full-time community service! What does that mean? Well, I’m not entirely certain. Now that I’m back in Tucson, I’d like y’all to help me organize my future activities.
(For those of you interested in Chinese astrology, I’m a Snake in the Tiger year. This year is my “argument” phase, and any energy I send out into the world might be misinterpreted or misunderstood. So, I’m employing the skills of softness & listening that have been gained through taiji practice. Whichever direction the Universe guides me in, is the direction that I’ll go. “Acceptance” is my keyword for the year.)
Thus far, since returning from China, I’ve been accepting acupuncture opportunities and qigong playmates. There has been some strong guidance toward studying the “Way of Tea” through Master Zhuping. (All about being mindful, peaceful, & joyful.) Some have asked for my calligraphy artwork, and others for instructional sessions. So, if any of my friends have a wish to study qigong/taiji, to receive treatments, etc., please share your intentions with me before my schedule fills-up. I’ve been learning & developing skills over the past several years, and am looking forward to sharing them with you!
:o)
More and more, though, I spend my life in stillness. The world that we’ve built up around a frantic need to “Do” and to “Get” seems ludicrous, and I want nothing to do with its creation. So, I’ve decided to retire. Isn’t that what people do when they stop toiling in the world? Perhaps, astrologically speaking, I should wait until I’m 36...or 60; but I’d really like to have my retirement party sometime this week...

This past year of economic difficulty has hit some of us harder than others. Marina & I were lucky enough to have a stable gig supporting our lifestyle, but other friends are in dire circumstances. As such, I’ll be forming some community programs to help a couple of local businesses: namely Bentley’s & Seven Cups. They are both wonderful places run by beautiful people, and deserve our support. So, for example, I’ll probably be forming some meditation groups that will meet at the tea-house before and after regular business hours. Also, a biweekly “Go” group (“Wei Qi” - Chinese strategy game) might help support their business. The cafe is a different scene entirely, however, and would best be served by forming discussion groups. One friend thinks that forming a Daoist discussion group would be popular, but Daoism really lends itself to silence more than cognition. Maybe a discussion of the Confucian classics? Or the written classics of Chinese medicine? How about a conversational Mandarin group? Maybe we can speak to some local churches and get them to organize their Bible/Qur’an/whatever groups there? With enough small gatherings, we can help see our friends through a tough time.

Our sunrise QiGong & TaiJi Quan gatherings are going wonderfully well. So well, in fact, that we’re considering adding a sunset class. Perhaps the “Body-Opening” set alongside more taiji? Does anyone have preferences? Just for fun, I might begin playing at the tea-house within the Botanical Gardens. I’m not sure if there will be space in my schedule for that, but it depends upon who ear-marks the time first. Many possibilities have been opening themselves up, and I’m not at all sure what I’ll be doing a year from now. Teaching and applying Chinese medicine is fun, and practicing TCM in other countries sparked my interest for a time. In fact, there was an offer to practice in the Middle East for a ridiculously large sum of money. I even found myself building a resume and talking with Kuwait practitioners on Facebook! In the end, though, my commitment to building a relationship with Marina (and her tendency for homesickness) was more than enough of a reason to put some roots down in the Old Pueblo. This is a darned nice town, if I do say so myself.

I’ve been getting a bit of...well, shall we say, hassle, from my friends. They are concerned about my working for free (or donation). Most of the time, my quick response is something like, “You’d be surprised at how generous people are!” Or, “People shouldn’t have to pay for wellness.” But, much of my reasoning has to do with the concept of retirement from the “western” style of living. This “tit for tat,” need to be “more.” A sense of fear about starving to death and being eaten by wolves if we rely upon the generosity of our community. Ask yourself how many of your friends would NOT be generous if given the chance. Likely, you’ll have trouble thinking of any. This has been true with every person I’ve posed the question to, and yet we still have the “selfish human” myth planted within our minds. The fact is, people long for an opportunity to express their generosity! They simply need to be given the opportunity within an arena of perfect love and perfect trust. That’s the healing space that I aim to construct in my home. Well, no...I take that back. That space already exists as the natural state of the universe, we only need to blink the sleep from our eyes long enough to experience our own nature. Also, for my own life, I don’t feel the need to ask for something... in order to give. The gift becomes a joke if I say “I’ll share my friendship with you, ...for $60.” The whole point of life is to express love/dao/goddess/vegemite/etc.
"We don't just love and leave it there, we ask something in return," wrote J. Krishnamurti. "Love is not a reaction. If I love you because you love me, that is a mere trade, a thing to be bought in the market; it is not love. To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something."
So, for me, asking for money to help someone feel better is like having a friend ask for relationship-advice and responding, “Sure, I can help. For a price!” In order for me to treat/teach someone skillfully, I must understand them. Upon understanding them, I love them. They become a close and treasured friend. A close and treasured friend that is hurting. How do I demand payment from that person? Impossible! If they offer a gift out of their love for me, then that’s a different process entirely. So, if it’s possible for them to heal an illness because a friend shares a gift with them; then it’s just as possible for me to pay rent because a friend shares a gift with me!
:o)
Can I get an Amen?!

So, I’m sitting in the tea-house right now, listening to jazz & sipping Da Hong Pao. My whole body feels fantastic. I’m truly, deeply, effortlessly, peaceful & relaxed. Joy buzzin’ through my bones and giggles ripplin’ across the surface of my skin. Even my clothes are happy. I have a solid, gentle, loving relationship with a gal who snorts when she laughs. My eating habits have led me to become a “foodie,” and I have the friends & resources to support my tasty addictions. We have 4 dogs that are alternately loving & hilarious, and a garden which occasionally grows TOO well. Honestly (and people have trouble believing it sometimes), I am a happy guy. These practices that I’ve been lucky enough to learn have shaped me in ways that I’d have never expected. As my dad’s family might shout, “Allah Hum DiDi Lai!” (Thank god for life!)

I’m never quite sure what to write about next. Intentionally, I try to come to these blogs without an agenda, hoping that my life will lay itself down at your feet. ...Verbally speaking. Unfortunately, my mind is not a sequential thing. Years of meditations have unraveled much intellectual-structuring that society chiseled into my brain. Now logic is interspersed with emotion & epiphany, humor and general weirdness. Time sequences blend, opinions dissolve, and the English language becomeleshqi kakjdijqjssss.

We had the great fortune to train in the Chen Village, China, this year. This is considered the birthplace of taiji quan, and the level of skill (gongfu) there is ridiculously impressive. Every day, all day, we learned from Chen Xiaoxing, the leader of the village. Suffice it to say that we learned a whole lot. It’ll take me years to assimilate his instruction. The locals there were truly wonderful! Kind, patient, generous, dedicated, hard-working, self-directed, and ambitious. I love when the world shrinks down to a few simple details, and a single goal. We’d rise, train, eat, train, eat, nap, train, eat, train, & then sleep. That’s all that existed, or mattered. Really really fun! To be honest, we’d probably be living there right now (making money Online) if not for the pollution. Awful. Not the way that I want to live. Leaving behind our new Chen family was one of the toughest things I’ve ever had to do. Maybe one day we’ll head back there to stay?? Who knows?

So, stay tuned!

Same SNAKE time!
Same SNAKE channel!

----------

First let your outer practice transform your inner being,
Then let your inner being lead your outer action.
(TaiJi Classics)

it's not Doing, it's Not Doing

Life is pretty darn unpredictable, isn’t it?
One moment I’m in Tucson, then in Yosemite, next in a truck, ...and now I’m back in Tucson!? Sheesh! Generally, I’ve learned that it’s best to avoid making plans. Simply setting an intention & then letting it go is enough.
:o)

In fact, my (finally) learning to “let go” is the reason that we’re back in Tucson. With the help of friends, I (finally) realized that I have the habit of dominating all of my relationships.
*sigh* Yeah, I know. Not a big surprise to those who knew John in his 20’s. Happily, though, nowadays folks don’t believe how aggressively I treated my friends. It’s nice to hear.
Anyway, while my intentions were honestly positive, I didn’t realize that “force” is, within itself, a destructive...umm, force. Obtaining “power,” by its nature, is simply the first step in the cycle of conflict. “Strength” has no other purpose than to be used to overcome something. At this stage of my life, I (finally) want to let go of dominance in any form. This, I believe, is what the martial arts are for. One masters force in order to understand that it is useless. You seek power to see through the illusion of power. That’s when the practice reverses direction. We stop learning... and begin to unlearn.

...And the realization hasn’t come a moment too soon! The year of the Metal Tiger is practically upon us. Pouncing on my poor little Snake self, and introducing the world to my “argument” energy. That is, this coming year people may feel as though everything I say or do is slightly “contrary.” The river of life, rather than flowing gently alongside, will catch my nature at an odd angle. If I tense up too much, it’ll knock me over. So, I’ll use Taiji Quan skills to let the natural movement of life choose my direction. Much of that environmental qi is coming from my partner, Marina. I was always so much the silly “Master of My Universe” that all of our choices became mine. Even if I asked her for an opinion, my logic or Socratic method would direct the outcome. Yuck! So, when I learned to listen to what she wasn’t saying, it became obvious that Marina was homesick. Thus, thereby, and then, we have returned to the Old Pueblo.

Life really is unpredictable, huh?
That might be one of its bestest qualities! There is structure and cyclic order, but springing forth from that Yin, there is Yang. Bold, subtle, creative, & destructive. Always surprising, loving, gentle (at first), and hilarious. So, while we can observe the Dao and learn to prepare for the Spring, we never know how it will swirl or shape our lives. That’s how we learn to stop trying so hard. We try and fail, and try and fail, until we learn to stop trying. To do non-doing. That’s what I’m practicing here in Tucson. I will accept whatever the universe brings to my doorstep. So, life has me teaching taiji & qigong, practicing traditional Chinese medicine, running “Slow-Food” breakfast gatherings, and blogging about tea. Each day I play in the garden, romp with the dogs, and wrastle with Marina. I’ve even learned to enjoy cooking and cleaning our house. My life is spectacularly peaceful. We have an alter in our bedroom dedicated to everything important to our lives. Each day at 3:30 (ish) I roll out of bed to sit/stand/move into meditation. We play with intention circles & explore what is sacred to us. Every week I keep a kind of Sabbath, where stillness and silence hold sway; and more and more that space spreads through the rest of my week.

Much of that love for quietude comes from the time we spent trucking. Such a wonderful meditative experience! Truly transformative! China also affected a tremendous change in my life. I cannot speak for Marina, but landing in the Chen Village had left quite an imprint. (Perhaps it’s better to say that the Village landed on me?) While it’s true that the smog is unbearable, there is also something else in the air. Taiji! The martial arts soak into your skin like warm sun on a winter day. Playing a form in a location where countless thousands have mastered the same movements before you is... well, indescribable. So, I won’t try; but will only mention my hope that the family we connected with remain in our lives for the long-term. They’re wonderfully real individuals.

Specifically, it’s that “real-ness” which made it so difficult to be part of my blood family. My bullshit detector was over-worked. Not that they were much different than the rest of society; but, I didn’t feel as though I could be myself around them. The lesson learned was that a pretense was an important part of a relationship. (Again, I can only claim that such an experience is my fate, and that I probably would have lived out this pattern with any individuals.) Everyone just...tries too damn hard. Nobody relaxed into themselves, and so I never found repose. To this day, I have no idea who my blood family is, honestly. Too much self-expression would have torn the family apart. Heck, it almost did more than once! My sister said it best by stating that these are random people forced into a “bond,” and so you just assume that weirdness is part of the relationship. I’m paraphrasing, of course. Why would anyone want that kind of kinship? Do genetics and family names really matter so much? Why not just create actual, compatible tribes? The whole world is finally open to humans beyond the borders of a city or cultural barrier. Why not reach into such an opportunity?

Really though, I love hearing about the hobbies of family members. They become more like real people, with real interests. My dad’s food charity “HOPE”, for example, is totally great! Definitely something worth getting behind. (Is it an extension of the church food-movement in Oregon?) It’s even nice to hear about health problems; since illness is, at least, an honest experience.
Just as a public declaration, though, healthfulness is really much easier than as made out by the western paradigm. (Psycho-Sclerosis: Hardening of the mind.) Anyone can heal from anything, anytime. I’ve personally seen and experienced transformations which would be considered “miraculous” from a western perspective. Such moments have become part of my everyday experience. So please let me be clear:
Never settle for any mental/physical experience which is less than joyously peaceful or vibrantly healthy. Total wellness. Anything less than that is illness, and unnecessary.
Just the world of Chinese medicine offers more options for healing than any one person can fit into their lives. ...and that’s only one form of medicine. There are countless numbers of effective modalities. Simply choose one which is fun, and then dive-in head-first! Viewed from this perspective, illness/wellness is a choice. There is no such thing as being a victim. You hold ultimate responsibility in your own hands. You’d be surprised at the response given by most patients when faced with this choice. Typically, they begin by saying that they’d do anything to be healthy. However, when faced with the choice of actually embracing those opportunities, they decide that perhaps they’re not ready to change...quite yet. Maybe later. Freedom and happiness are scary! What does your ego hold on to when there is nothing left to fear? So, it fears harmony itself.

Family is such an interesting thing. Now that I’m in my 30’s, I cannot imagine what it was like for my parents to try raising children in their 20’s. Madness. No wonder they didn’t seem like real people while I was growing up. How many people are “real” in their 20’s? Just kids! And they focused their energies upon making a home/family, instead of delving into self-discovery. Now my parents are, what? In their 50’s? Nearly 60? I don’t know these people. I knew a couple of young parents, working hard to raise eccentric & extraordinary children in an emotionally repressive environment. Who’s to say how they’ve grown? My sister, as well, was only just beginning to make her entrance into the world after a protracted period of productive (possibly paranoid) preparation. What does she look like after so many years of sinking roots for fears of drought? Does she still live in a walled garden? Has she shed her thorns? What are the fruit & flower of her youth? Has Amaris yet displayed the brilliant colors of her mind? Or is she allowing herself to be pruned back into a neatly hedged bet?

Oh Amaris. Poor Amaris. She was subject to every ounce of mischief that I had (have) buried in my soul. I guess that I have always been fascinated by human nature, and used Sister as a walking (occasionally running) lab-experiment. Classic gags like the peanut butter on the doorknob & a stol...err...borrowed diary or two. I harassed her, and her friends, endlessly. I reveled in seeing how they all would react to this or that stimulus. Yet, no matter how much of a creep I was, she always managed to forgive me, and rarely brought it up again. It took me years to become that kind!

I have many memories of Mom in "creation-mode." Writing music, sculpting cakes, & designing parties at the drop of a hat. She is quite the creative-kitty! There was a time when, due to a mixture of illness and apathy, I wasn't able to finish my homework. So, she sat down and whipped-out a poem for my beloved language arts class. The prose was amazing! A confection about fog as sweet and layered as any of her pastries.
It was a dark and stormy night... (Ya gotta love those old school opening lines.) It was quiet in the city by Disneyland. Amaris was preparing for bed, and Mom was kissing her goodnight. She called out in surprise to Dad, saying that my sister's skin was vibrating. Mom could feel the oscillation as she placed her hands near the skin. She was feeling a qi field for the first time. Dad simply laughed, and told her that she was feeling energy, and that it was normal. We all went to sleep as though nothing had happened. I've since wondered what would have changed, if we had followed through with the inquiry. What if she had learned more about her own experience, or even pursued training? Self awareness always leads to interesting roads through life. Oh well...

Dad was the one who helped me break free of my own mental & emotional deadlock. His spiritually adventurous mid-life crisis somehow gave me permission to think for myself. I vaguely recall that he's a Dragon (Chinese Astrology), which explains why Pop seemed to have a different focus every week. It was wonderful for me to see that there were options in the world. Variety. We can be any way that we can imagine being! How revolutionary! His questions were the impetus for my own.

Now, I do realize the impossibility of raising me as a child. My parents, you didn’t over-control my life, and for that I thank you. I would have been easily suffocated. Heck, I could never even wear a necktie! Too restrictive! (These days I won’t even wear pants that I cannot do the splits in.) From parents, I only needed certain things, like all children. Let me resort to the scriptures that have meant much to you. From my mother I needed to hear that she has watched my life, and, “Kept all of these sayings in her heart.” From my father I needed to hear, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant. Enter now into the joy of the lord.” I still feel your fingerprints in my life and soul, and where I find those traces of your parenthood, I am glad of them. I am blessed to have been your son.

I have seen nobility and courage. I have seen selfishness and blindness. And I have seen all of these things in the same parents, raising the same children. What I understand now is this: there is no harder job than raising children. There is no human process with greater potential for fantastic achievement and awful destructiveness. ...And despite all of the experts, nobody has any idea whether any decision will be right, or best, or even not horrible for any particular child. It is a job that simply cannot be done “right”. While I do love kids, I feel pretty sure that I’ll never want to have my own. Also, while I’m happy in a long-term committed partnership, I don’t think I’ll ever like the structure of marriage. (Look! There I go again, thinking that it’s possible to plan for anything.)

So why then am I separated from my blood relations? The prodigal son, who never did come home? Well, for some reason I only have 2 settings: on & off. I’m a binary-boy. Whenever I don’t feel perfectly comfortable with something, I cut it out of my life. This habit shows up in every area of my life. When I decided to be healthy, I stopped doing things that are unhealthy. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a neurotic function (these days). I simply switched the focus of my mind, and stopped wanting things that make me feel poorly. I don’t even dream or care about the other options. I set them aside. When I discovered taiji quan, I ceased doing hard-style completely. When I set aside music, I didn’t even touch an instrument for years. When I abandoned soccer, I didn’t kick a ball for a decade. However, now that I’ve begun playing again, I jog with a ball every morning. From an astrological perspective, snakes digest one big thing at a time, and shed their skin at regular intervals. What can I say? It’s how I roll.

So what comes next? Sheesh! Weren’t you paying attention? Heck if I know! When the Universe pushes me in a new direction, I’ll let y’all know. Until then, have a wonderful year of the Tiger!
Hissss... err, I mean, Roar!
:oD

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Embracing the Way, you become embraced;
Breathing gently, you become newborn;
Clearing your mind, you become clear;
Nurturing your children, you become impartial;
Opening your heart, you become accepted;
Accepting the world, you embrace the Way.

Bearing and nurturing,
Creating but not owning,
Giving without demanding,
This is harmony.

(-DaoDe Jing)