Hiya friends! First, an update:
This year finds John back on a community farm in Costa Rica. (applause) Wonderfully peaceful & nourishing, loving & supportive. Lots of meditation, qigong, taiji quan, cooking, treating, gardening, building, cleaning, writing, filming, laughing, and napping. Actively, my mind is being “re-wired” & my body “re-built” as a result of awakening & the dissolution of the “I”. The ego fights for its life when threatened, doesn’t it!? Mind wants to grab hold of the idea of “mindless” & turn it into “my experience.” Then mind tries to live in a state of mindlessness. Pretty sneaky!!
Next, a message for the numerous members of my “blood family”:
I’m done writing to y’all. It’s nice to finally be able to say that without resentment or judgment. When this blog was started, the purpose was to extend a connection to a family who might have been a bit concerned about wandering kin. Thus, for years now, I’d present a bit of storyline or share an interest from time to time.
Know what I received in return? Nice letters, kind words, and encouraging thoughts. … at least, half the time. The other half included poisonous judgment, vicious sarcasm, and biting humor. Usually, I’d delete those and ignore them, preferring to pay attention to the positive statements. This morning I received another unkind letter, and… for some reason… it’s the last one.
Just to let y’all know, I’ve slowly been revealing more of my life & thoughts, and have even been considering visiting some family over a weekend. I’m a private guy, and take my time to decide things. It’s just how god plays itself out through this form. I never really bonded with my relatives, and decided early that I’m healthier without them around. Few of you know my reasons for avoiding the family in the first place, and yet many of these childish relatives imagine that they know everything. Typical.
One clear example of the toxic nature of both sides of “my” family, is in the signature of each letter. That is, all of the kind, gentle, and loving letters had a signature attached. All but one of the snarky letters preferred to remain anonymous. Of course they did. It’s just like at any one of the family get-togethers we had. People smile & hug when face to face, and then somebody leaves the room. Kids get to hear secrets because adults ignore them, and I had an earful of hateful, judgmental, shameful gossip. We all picked up the habit from each other, and it became a part of our lives. Handshake for the front, knife for the back. Signatures for the smiles, “anonymous” for the cruelty. Hilarious. While I had held out hopes that y’all had changed over the last decade, it seems clear that all is status-quo. Makes the decision to say goodbye clearly the correct choice.
I have managed to fill this life with true family. Loving, nurturing, gentle, kind, patient, and supportive. There was certainly some of that for John while growing up, but there was an equal mixture of ash in the sugar bowl. It’s just not how this life is going to be lived. It’s always been my way to simply cut-off and end anything that seems unwanted. The tendency shows up in everything John does, and the cutting of family-ties was no different. Then, or now.
This is not an attempt at cruelty or even simple coldness, though this digital text may seem that way. It’s simply not in me to invest more energy in a practice that half of the time ends with being attacked. So, please stop writing to me. It was my own mistake to include the names of friends and websites that I frequent. Now two of my friends have been spammed by people trying to force themselves into my life. That’s not loving, it’s disrespectful. When people ask for privacy, you give it. My companions don’t deserve to be subjected to your unhappiness, and neither do I.
So, in brief, I love you all. For those who wrote “anonymous” letters: fuck off. For those who wrote in good faith & kindness: the feeling is mutual, and you’ll always be loved. …But that’s not the same as wanting to be around you. Goodbye.
:o)
For my meditation buddies:
Some of you have asked about more fun practices. Try this series of observations methods, seeking to discover the essence of who you are. A straight shot to the heart of being. Ready??
We are going to start with the outside manifest world, and work our way “in”. Notice the people & the world around you. Floor, tables, chairs, friends, family, and pets. Notice that, when looking at them, there’s no “you” in them. That is, if one of them is taken away, you are still the same “person” inside. Not made more or less.
Also, “you” can observe them, which means that “you” must be separate from them to make those observations. Hopefully that makes sense. Take some time to really notice this fact. Notice any conditioning or attachments you might have to those things in the “outside” world. How does your mind react when you try to notice that they are not part of “you”? Ideally, once you deeply come to notice that there really is no “you-ness” in those objects or people, you’ll be able to let go of any need to claim them or hinge your sense of self-worth on them. This step alone can be life-changing, so spend as much time & energy as is required to make this a permanent part of your awareness. Let go.
Next, notice that those external people & objects we mentioned are really impossible to know are there. That is, we don’t experience a chair, our eyes see light that is interpreted. Our fingers feel sensation that is interpreted. In fact, all of our “outside” experiences are really just collections of perceptions gained through the 5 senses, and then interpreted by the mind. The mind does lots of things with the impressions, it draws upon emotional conditioning to put the experience into 3 categories: Like it, Dislike it, & Meh. It makes a type of moral judgment, and labels it Good or Bad or *shrug*. The intellect feels the need to name & label the sensation as “chair”, and draws upon a learned idea of “chair”. Oh yeah, and it also says, “MY chair”, which is always changing, and only shows up if you bother to notice the chair at all! Pretty ridiculous, huh? Really notice that, not only is the outside world not “you”, but it is really just a figment of your imagination and sensory guesswork. Wild! There may or may not be something out there, but you’ll never truly know; …and experiential truth is what we’re after. The point is that we are dissolving our trusty belief-structure, which holds up the world as we know it. Only then can we begin to see things as they really are. Let go.
Now it’s time to examine the truth of the body itself. Notice any apprehension arise at this thought? Many people are very resistant to discovering that they are not their body, but it’s actually quite simple. First, use the same logic that we did with the chair. Can you observe it? If so, then the “you” that is doing the observing must be separate. Also, is there a “self” in the body? Look & see for yourself. If you have a limb amputated, would there be less of “you” around? How about if you were blind, would you still be you? Of course you would, because “you” are not the body. Really take some time, perhaps days or years to solidify this knowledge through observation. This can save a ton of pain in our superficial vanity-stricken world. Don’t let it just remain a concept that you skimmed over, prove it to yourself. Let go.
How are we doing so far? Hopefully you’re willing to give this a serious effort, because it’s a pretty freakin’ amazing discovery to make for yourself. If there’s no “you” in your body or in the outside world, then you can let them go. Let them be what they are without ego investment or personal sense of loss. Now, we’ll examine the validity of having a body, the way that we examined the truth of the chair. How do you know that you have feet? Because… you feel them? Smell them? See them? Hopefully you haven’t tried tasting them, but to each their own. Just as we proved earlier, the senses are simply limited experiences interpreted by the conditioned mind. In essence, the experience of having a body is completely a mental exercise. Without a mind, you wouldn’t have an idea that you have a body. Right? In deep sleep, when there’s nobody to notice the body, there is no experience of body. Upon waking, we just accept it’s always been there, which is also a mental assumption. In fact, when you really take the time to look, the body & outside world are just collections of concepts produced by the mind. Again, the point here is to reduce the number of ideas that we use to prop up our belief structures. This will make it easier to tear them down later. No pressure. Just let go.
After the proper work, at this point, the interest in finding truth outside of the mind is probably waning. Our whole world seems to be a construct of the mind, and with practice it’s possible to experience that directly. Now, let’s unpack the mind a bit. There are thoughts that talk about us, so we must be the mind, right? Well, let’s use the same skills that we’ve been cultivating, and put the mind to the test. Are you able to observe the mind? Who is observing the mind? It must be “you”, and yet where is that observation coming from? Is the mind observing itself? Think of the last time you were engaged in a daydream. Remember how the dream was doing its thing, and then suddenly “you” became aware the fantasy was occurring? Where were you before that? The mind was fully busy, and yet there was no awareness there. In essence, there is awareness and there is mind, but they are different. People who live entirely in their head will have trouble with this one, because they cannot conceive of a world outside of their mind. Dancers will have had more difficulty with removing a sense of “self” from the body, but might perceive this distinction about the mind more easily. So, take your time and expend whatever energy is required to prove this to yourself. Also, it can be helpful to ask if you are less when your thoughts vanish. If you forget a memory, or change your mind about tacos, does your essential “self” change too? Of course not, because you are not your mind. Prove this to your own satisfaction before moving on. Let go.
Now that you can see the mind more clearly, begin to develop your awareness of the process of being aware. It takes some practice, so be patient. This is separate, as we’ve seen, from the mind experience and the body-mind experience. At this point, it’s extremely useful to use your awareness of the mind to release some conditioning that keeps you caged within “self-destruct” mode. The mind is naturally selfish & competitive, but that’s just its nature. However, many people have particularly insidious and damaging mental habits, and these will make your progress toward awakening more difficult. By observing them clearly from the perspective of awareness, and allowing them to be as they are, they begin to heal. That is, if you think “I’m never going to be happy, I should just give up.” First, become awake enough to notice the thought as it passes through your head. (Practicing with the “6 Meditation Steps” video series I posted will help develop those skills.) Then, rather than judging the thought as good or bad, or trying to rid yourself of it, simply remain quietly aware, and let it go. Anything else only perpetuates the problem. Remain in awareness, observing the mind & mind-body, and let things be as they are. This is a powerfully healing practice, and will transform your way of being in the world. Naturalness is what we are cultivating, and non-doing is the most natural state. Let go.
The next step will take us beyond, or prior to, the mind. Because it reaches toward the formless, it’s important to know that there’s nothing there to “keep” your attention. The mind makes lots of noise, and so it’s easier to constantly identify with that chaos as “self”. This is why, at this point, many masters say that you must choose to devote your entire experience of reality to the exploration of the absolute, otherwise it won’t be enough. 100% or nothing, because a little attachment is a complete belief in the mind & conditioning. Awareness directed inward, rather than lost outward. This does not mean living in a cave, just don’t allow the main effort of life to be lost on believing the dualistic world. You’ll soon see that it actually takes effort to leave the absolute, and to return to the infinite requires no work. If you truly did nothing, you’d remain one with the Dao. So, in essence, we’re just asking you to chill-out a bit. To commit yourself whole-heartedly to the search for truth, and the attainment of real happiness. Genuine love. A quest for god. A pilgrimage to the temple of being. A road-trip to the house of cosmic pancakes. Let go, and get extra syrup on your consciousness.
So, now it’s time to bring awareness to rest upon awareness itself. Notice the noticing. Sense the sensing. Watch as awareness moves around the body & mind, doing its thing. This may take some training, and in fact all of these steps may have taken you months of cultivation to follow-through. This awareness resting in awareness, however, is a significant change. Notice how the mind slows down considerably when awareness is centered on itself? Now, turn your head from side to side with your eyes open, keeping awareness clearly centered on itself. Notice how the mind still kept track of what’s around you, and the body still had senses and movement on track without the direct guidance? It’s almost as if there was no “you” there in the first place! They just do their thing, without a “self” thinking thoughts or feeling feelings. Pretty amazing, huh?
This phase of your observation will be particularly meaningful for you, because at this stage the vast majority of all suffering disappears. Just keep awakened awareness settled upon itself. When the mind & body aren’t building attachment with the help of an identified awareness, then there is no suffering. Things happen, but there’s not a “you” there to respond to them. Heck, there never really was a “you” there anyway, right? Just a case of mistaken identity. The trick, here is to stay awake. Don’t slip back into the dream world. Move slowly, stay quiet & calm, and develop the new habit of awareness.
Many meditators are happy to stay at this phase, because it’s so very pleasant. They report the “state of one-ness” that is felt when awareness rests in itself. They abide in that space and “identify” with it, saying that everything is one, and connected, all light, etc. etc. etc. The only issue here is that we haven’t yet applied our tools to see if this is really “us”. Can we observe awareness? Yes. It’s almost as though we can look at it, and describe it, even though we’re using awareness to do it. The “you” must still be something outside or prior to that awareness. Also, we’re still abiding in a state of dualism. “One-ness” is still a thing. An experience. Subject to conceptual interpretation, and has an opposite. There is no “personal self” within awareness, but there is still an “I”. This is not the true nature of being. Go one step further. Let go.
Behind & before awareness, where you are able to observe it from, rests a kind of void. This may require a guide to help you dissolve into, since it isn’t a concept or thing to be noticed. That space that has no name, no description, no experience, is the ultimate & absolute. It’s neither empty nor full. Present or absent. Notice that in this space there is no “I”, or anything else. Complete inner rest. Just totality beyond description, so I leave it to the poets like Rumi & Hafiz.
In fact, if you find yourself having an “experience”, then your mind is just playing tricks on you. If you find yourself presented with a vision, or visitation from an angelic being, or physical explosion; be patient, smile, and then ignore it. The absolute has no form to be recognized or related. Don’t add commentary or try to hold on to this awareness. The holding is what moves you out of this, your only true being.
For Christian friends, I recommend developing awareness of this “space” or “void”. This is where god dwells, and is the only space that’s beyond mind enough to perceive without projection. Stay there, forever, in the only space of truth. Perhaps “grace” or “luck” will happen and total & permanent “awakening” or “enlightenment” or “eggroll” occurs. It can’t be controlled, and there’s nobody to do the controlling anyway. No awakening, no awakener, or awakened. Or whatever.
At this point, you can see how the world becomes created through mind. In deep sleep there is simply awareness without mind identification, and no world exists. Then you wake up, and awareness becomes awareness of “itself”, which creates an “I” and a whole world of consciousness is created. Then it searches around, and builds a mind which can identify what it is, and becomes a “self” by creating an “I AM”. Then you open your eyes and feel your body and now have the ability to figure out what sort of “am” you are, and the world of “I AM THAT” is built. Awareness now reaches through the creation of mind-body to build a world, and breaks wholeness into a million pieces, this & that, good & bad, me & not me. Daoists say that WuJi creates 1, …1 makes 2, …2 give birth to 3, …and the 3 make the 10,000 things. Christians say that God dwelt in the void, then a word comes, and then there is light & dark, good & bad, …then come beings …and choice, and then the world explodes beyond the borders of the garden. All different expressions of the same fundamental experience that anyone can have. I give it 2 illusionary Thumbs-Up!
If you really did join me on this particular observation journey, then you don’t need anything anymore, and don’t care anyway. In any case, this is the unfolding of the John story, and has been quite a ride. The quest to cultivate stillness has uncovered absolute stillness, which was always there anyway. There is nothing but that stillness, playing the game of life through the character called “John”, moving toward itself like a river joining the sea.
---
Greet Yourself
In your thousand other forms
As you mount the hidden tide and travel
Back home.
All the hemispheres in heaven
Are sitting around a fire
Chatting
While stitching themselves together
Into the Great Circle inside of
You.
- - Hafiz
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