Ancestral Qi

Family has always been one of the truly important aspects of my life.

To anyone in my blood relation, or who knows my history, this probably sounds funny. I’ve never been one to look forward to a Carlson get-together, or a Mattox family holiday. It’s taken me a long time to reconcile these two points. The single most helpful bit of information came from Lian’s Chinese astrological instructor. He told me to avoid Ben Stiller movies. Then, he discussed what they call the “Parents Palace.” The majority of my “dark stars” (places where I would run into difficulty) are in that location.

This made perfect sense to me. THAT’S why I’ve always sought out deep, long-term, family-like relationships with people around me (since then I've been surrounded by incredible friends that I consider family); but have always felt exhausted and constrained around my blood relatives. All I know is that I have always felt the urge to get away from them all.

Usually, when people ask about my parents, I tell them that I haven’t really seen my family in a decade. When pressed for more, I usually just say that we didn’t get along.

My family was alternately hilarious and humorless, generous and greedy, loving and indifferent. Most were obsessed with certain ideas that I did not care for, and uninterested in some concepts that continue to fascinate me. Although I enjoy movies, I would flee from every opportunity to watch with my relatives. Eating meals in a group is one of my favorite activities, but I never chose to sit around a table with my blood. Why? Were they really so bad? Well, no. Not at all. Sometimes, in fact, they were down-right pleasant. I just never really felt sunny around them.

The astrologer talked about my health and my sense of well-being quite a lot. He said that I had quite powerful “qi” (vital life energy) in both places. When I questioned why I didn’t begin to feel well until the latter half of my life, he was stymied. After a moment, however, he looked at my parents palace and asked when I stopped spending time with my family. It’s quite true that my sense of aliveness began to emerge only when I was away from them. His only advice was for me to stay away. (…and this from a Chinese perspective! They would only advise such a thing when faced with a chart like my own. Historically, I would have been sent away as a monk or some other apprentice to help balance my qi. ) I’ve decided to take the suggestion.

For years now, I’ve been undergoing some pretty substantial transformation. My whole perspective on the nature of, well…life, the universe, & everything is radically different than it was when spending time with blood. I was always unsure of how to handle this “family” business. I thought that I should wait to contact them until I was feeling clear and emotionally liberated. There should be none of those emotional knots that many kids experience with their parental units. So, I meditated and practiced other powerful Daoist arts of internal transformation for several hours every day. (Currently, I train closer to 8 or 10 hours daily.) Now, I finally feel clear enough to communicate my thoughts and feelings, and to hear what my family has to say in return. Long though it may have been, the time apart has been super important to my own sense of well-being. I don’t regret a single choice in the matter.

…Now, however, I get to see how they react. :o)

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The limpid river runs between the bushes,

The horse and cart are moving idly on.

The water flows as if with a mind of its own,

At dusk, the birds return to perch together.

The secluded town is opposite an ancient ferry,

The setting sun now fills the autumn hills.

And far below the mountain’s tumbling ridges,

Returning home, I close the door for now.