Me, and My Shadow

Ah, Lian.

The longest, and most important relationship in my life has been with that crazy lady. :o)

Being unable to define the darned thing, it may be tough for me to describe it to anyone that hasn’t seen us together. So? Instead, I’ll just give a brief overview of our history.

We met back in La Mirada as teenagers. Initially hanging out with mutual friends, and very soon spending all of our time together. From schooling to sparring, sharing it all. We never tired of the company, although sometimes our camaraderie was pretty volatile. Lian was the first person that I felt comfortable exploring my mind with. She was happy to talk about any crazy subject that would come up. (Why tortoises hate philosophy, why too much religion is bad for goats, and what it really is that handmaidens actually do.) She was also willing to embark upon any crazy adventure that we’d dream up. (We liked finding places without people, when possible. Places on distant hilltops where we could see the heavens. Also, in the dark of night, the stars below us were campfires, out in the desert, and the lights of remote towns high in the forested mountains. Townships are smeared nebulae, cities are vast constellations; the great sprawling city of LA, for example, glows like a couple of colliding galaxies.) This, eventually, is how we ended up living together in Sedona, Arizona.

We stayed in the Red Rocks for quite a while, moved back to La Mirada for a bit to study the martial arts, and bought a 30’ RV. Rushing to the aid of another friend, we ended up in Tucson, Arizona where Lian started at the astrological university. After a year or so cruisin’ around in the RV, we got a house. After a few years in the house, however, we parted ways & haven’t really seen each other since. Crazy huh? We lived with each other for about 9 years total.

Why’d we separate? It’s a hard question and has a lot to do with the closeness of our relationship. We weren’t dating, but our other friends were typically intimidated by the intimate nature of our companionship. We were often called “twins” by the people around us, or “impenetrable” by those trying to share our lives. We lost a few opportunities for relationships over the years with some amazing people, because they felt nervous about the nature of our bond. In the end, a gent that Lian was interested in would not stay with her as long as she would stay with me. So, she felt that in order to grow in new ways she’d have to say farewell to our partnership.

And we have grown from the new directions. Initially, our relationship was as self-centered as a gyroscope. We were so intertwined that we were unable to grow in distinctive directions. Now that our branches have been separated & detangled, however, much more light is being shed upon our individuality.

It’s strange, ya know? Not having Lian around? Well, of course you wouldn’t know, so you’ll just have to take my word for it. When so much of your life has been built around another person, all sorts of patterns form in unexpected ways. Thinking models & conceptual structures. Verbal cues and physical language. Often times I feel like an amputee with phantom sensation. Even right now, I can still feel her there. :oD

Disturb us, friend, when we are too well-pleased with ourselves;

When our dreams have come true because we have dreamed too little;

When we have arrived in safety because we have sailed too close to the shore.

Stir us, friend, to dare more boldly,

To venture seas where storms shall show Creation’s majesty.

Where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars.