it's not Doing, it's Not Doing

Life is pretty darn unpredictable, isn’t it?
One moment I’m in Tucson, then in Yosemite, next in a truck, ...and now I’m back in Tucson!? Sheesh! Generally, I’ve learned that it’s best to avoid making plans. Simply setting an intention & then letting it go is enough.
:o)

In fact, my (finally) learning to “let go” is the reason that we’re back in Tucson. With the help of friends, I (finally) realized that I have the habit of dominating all of my relationships.
*sigh* Yeah, I know. Not a big surprise to those who knew John in his 20’s. Happily, though, nowadays folks don’t believe how aggressively I treated my friends. It’s nice to hear.
Anyway, while my intentions were honestly positive, I didn’t realize that “force” is, within itself, a destructive...umm, force. Obtaining “power,” by its nature, is simply the first step in the cycle of conflict. “Strength” has no other purpose than to be used to overcome something. At this stage of my life, I (finally) want to let go of dominance in any form. This, I believe, is what the martial arts are for. One masters force in order to understand that it is useless. You seek power to see through the illusion of power. That’s when the practice reverses direction. We stop learning... and begin to unlearn.

...And the realization hasn’t come a moment too soon! The year of the Metal Tiger is practically upon us. Pouncing on my poor little Snake self, and introducing the world to my “argument” energy. That is, this coming year people may feel as though everything I say or do is slightly “contrary.” The river of life, rather than flowing gently alongside, will catch my nature at an odd angle. If I tense up too much, it’ll knock me over. So, I’ll use Taiji Quan skills to let the natural movement of life choose my direction. Much of that environmental qi is coming from my partner, Marina. I was always so much the silly “Master of My Universe” that all of our choices became mine. Even if I asked her for an opinion, my logic or Socratic method would direct the outcome. Yuck! So, when I learned to listen to what she wasn’t saying, it became obvious that Marina was homesick. Thus, thereby, and then, we have returned to the Old Pueblo.

Life really is unpredictable, huh?
That might be one of its bestest qualities! There is structure and cyclic order, but springing forth from that Yin, there is Yang. Bold, subtle, creative, & destructive. Always surprising, loving, gentle (at first), and hilarious. So, while we can observe the Dao and learn to prepare for the Spring, we never know how it will swirl or shape our lives. That’s how we learn to stop trying so hard. We try and fail, and try and fail, until we learn to stop trying. To do non-doing. That’s what I’m practicing here in Tucson. I will accept whatever the universe brings to my doorstep. So, life has me teaching taiji & qigong, practicing traditional Chinese medicine, running “Slow-Food” breakfast gatherings, and blogging about tea. Each day I play in the garden, romp with the dogs, and wrastle with Marina. I’ve even learned to enjoy cooking and cleaning our house. My life is spectacularly peaceful. We have an alter in our bedroom dedicated to everything important to our lives. Each day at 3:30 (ish) I roll out of bed to sit/stand/move into meditation. We play with intention circles & explore what is sacred to us. Every week I keep a kind of Sabbath, where stillness and silence hold sway; and more and more that space spreads through the rest of my week.

Much of that love for quietude comes from the time we spent trucking. Such a wonderful meditative experience! Truly transformative! China also affected a tremendous change in my life. I cannot speak for Marina, but landing in the Chen Village had left quite an imprint. (Perhaps it’s better to say that the Village landed on me?) While it’s true that the smog is unbearable, there is also something else in the air. Taiji! The martial arts soak into your skin like warm sun on a winter day. Playing a form in a location where countless thousands have mastered the same movements before you is... well, indescribable. So, I won’t try; but will only mention my hope that the family we connected with remain in our lives for the long-term. They’re wonderfully real individuals.

Specifically, it’s that “real-ness” which made it so difficult to be part of my blood family. My bullshit detector was over-worked. Not that they were much different than the rest of society; but, I didn’t feel as though I could be myself around them. The lesson learned was that a pretense was an important part of a relationship. (Again, I can only claim that such an experience is my fate, and that I probably would have lived out this pattern with any individuals.) Everyone just...tries too damn hard. Nobody relaxed into themselves, and so I never found repose. To this day, I have no idea who my blood family is, honestly. Too much self-expression would have torn the family apart. Heck, it almost did more than once! My sister said it best by stating that these are random people forced into a “bond,” and so you just assume that weirdness is part of the relationship. I’m paraphrasing, of course. Why would anyone want that kind of kinship? Do genetics and family names really matter so much? Why not just create actual, compatible tribes? The whole world is finally open to humans beyond the borders of a city or cultural barrier. Why not reach into such an opportunity?

Really though, I love hearing about the hobbies of family members. They become more like real people, with real interests. My dad’s food charity “HOPE”, for example, is totally great! Definitely something worth getting behind. (Is it an extension of the church food-movement in Oregon?) It’s even nice to hear about health problems; since illness is, at least, an honest experience.
Just as a public declaration, though, healthfulness is really much easier than as made out by the western paradigm. (Psycho-Sclerosis: Hardening of the mind.) Anyone can heal from anything, anytime. I’ve personally seen and experienced transformations which would be considered “miraculous” from a western perspective. Such moments have become part of my everyday experience. So please let me be clear:
Never settle for any mental/physical experience which is less than joyously peaceful or vibrantly healthy. Total wellness. Anything less than that is illness, and unnecessary.
Just the world of Chinese medicine offers more options for healing than any one person can fit into their lives. ...and that’s only one form of medicine. There are countless numbers of effective modalities. Simply choose one which is fun, and then dive-in head-first! Viewed from this perspective, illness/wellness is a choice. There is no such thing as being a victim. You hold ultimate responsibility in your own hands. You’d be surprised at the response given by most patients when faced with this choice. Typically, they begin by saying that they’d do anything to be healthy. However, when faced with the choice of actually embracing those opportunities, they decide that perhaps they’re not ready to change...quite yet. Maybe later. Freedom and happiness are scary! What does your ego hold on to when there is nothing left to fear? So, it fears harmony itself.

Family is such an interesting thing. Now that I’m in my 30’s, I cannot imagine what it was like for my parents to try raising children in their 20’s. Madness. No wonder they didn’t seem like real people while I was growing up. How many people are “real” in their 20’s? Just kids! And they focused their energies upon making a home/family, instead of delving into self-discovery. Now my parents are, what? In their 50’s? Nearly 60? I don’t know these people. I knew a couple of young parents, working hard to raise eccentric & extraordinary children in an emotionally repressive environment. Who’s to say how they’ve grown? My sister, as well, was only just beginning to make her entrance into the world after a protracted period of productive (possibly paranoid) preparation. What does she look like after so many years of sinking roots for fears of drought? Does she still live in a walled garden? Has she shed her thorns? What are the fruit & flower of her youth? Has Amaris yet displayed the brilliant colors of her mind? Or is she allowing herself to be pruned back into a neatly hedged bet?

Oh Amaris. Poor Amaris. She was subject to every ounce of mischief that I had (have) buried in my soul. I guess that I have always been fascinated by human nature, and used Sister as a walking (occasionally running) lab-experiment. Classic gags like the peanut butter on the doorknob & a stol...err...borrowed diary or two. I harassed her, and her friends, endlessly. I reveled in seeing how they all would react to this or that stimulus. Yet, no matter how much of a creep I was, she always managed to forgive me, and rarely brought it up again. It took me years to become that kind!

I have many memories of Mom in "creation-mode." Writing music, sculpting cakes, & designing parties at the drop of a hat. She is quite the creative-kitty! There was a time when, due to a mixture of illness and apathy, I wasn't able to finish my homework. So, she sat down and whipped-out a poem for my beloved language arts class. The prose was amazing! A confection about fog as sweet and layered as any of her pastries.
It was a dark and stormy night... (Ya gotta love those old school opening lines.) It was quiet in the city by Disneyland. Amaris was preparing for bed, and Mom was kissing her goodnight. She called out in surprise to Dad, saying that my sister's skin was vibrating. Mom could feel the oscillation as she placed her hands near the skin. She was feeling a qi field for the first time. Dad simply laughed, and told her that she was feeling energy, and that it was normal. We all went to sleep as though nothing had happened. I've since wondered what would have changed, if we had followed through with the inquiry. What if she had learned more about her own experience, or even pursued training? Self awareness always leads to interesting roads through life. Oh well...

Dad was the one who helped me break free of my own mental & emotional deadlock. His spiritually adventurous mid-life crisis somehow gave me permission to think for myself. I vaguely recall that he's a Dragon (Chinese Astrology), which explains why Pop seemed to have a different focus every week. It was wonderful for me to see that there were options in the world. Variety. We can be any way that we can imagine being! How revolutionary! His questions were the impetus for my own.

Now, I do realize the impossibility of raising me as a child. My parents, you didn’t over-control my life, and for that I thank you. I would have been easily suffocated. Heck, I could never even wear a necktie! Too restrictive! (These days I won’t even wear pants that I cannot do the splits in.) From parents, I only needed certain things, like all children. Let me resort to the scriptures that have meant much to you. From my mother I needed to hear that she has watched my life, and, “Kept all of these sayings in her heart.” From my father I needed to hear, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant. Enter now into the joy of the lord.” I still feel your fingerprints in my life and soul, and where I find those traces of your parenthood, I am glad of them. I am blessed to have been your son.

I have seen nobility and courage. I have seen selfishness and blindness. And I have seen all of these things in the same parents, raising the same children. What I understand now is this: there is no harder job than raising children. There is no human process with greater potential for fantastic achievement and awful destructiveness. ...And despite all of the experts, nobody has any idea whether any decision will be right, or best, or even not horrible for any particular child. It is a job that simply cannot be done “right”. While I do love kids, I feel pretty sure that I’ll never want to have my own. Also, while I’m happy in a long-term committed partnership, I don’t think I’ll ever like the structure of marriage. (Look! There I go again, thinking that it’s possible to plan for anything.)

So why then am I separated from my blood relations? The prodigal son, who never did come home? Well, for some reason I only have 2 settings: on & off. I’m a binary-boy. Whenever I don’t feel perfectly comfortable with something, I cut it out of my life. This habit shows up in every area of my life. When I decided to be healthy, I stopped doing things that are unhealthy. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a neurotic function (these days). I simply switched the focus of my mind, and stopped wanting things that make me feel poorly. I don’t even dream or care about the other options. I set them aside. When I discovered taiji quan, I ceased doing hard-style completely. When I set aside music, I didn’t even touch an instrument for years. When I abandoned soccer, I didn’t kick a ball for a decade. However, now that I’ve begun playing again, I jog with a ball every morning. From an astrological perspective, snakes digest one big thing at a time, and shed their skin at regular intervals. What can I say? It’s how I roll.

So what comes next? Sheesh! Weren’t you paying attention? Heck if I know! When the Universe pushes me in a new direction, I’ll let y’all know. Until then, have a wonderful year of the Tiger!
Hissss... err, I mean, Roar!
:oD

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Embracing the Way, you become embraced;
Breathing gently, you become newborn;
Clearing your mind, you become clear;
Nurturing your children, you become impartial;
Opening your heart, you become accepted;
Accepting the world, you embrace the Way.

Bearing and nurturing,
Creating but not owning,
Giving without demanding,
This is harmony.

(-DaoDe Jing)

Thoughts from beneath the cushions

(Exhale)

Speeding down the highway
A distant mountain looms
neither of us moves


(Inhale)

Ego, a moth
Silence a bright flame
Burning to a crisp


(Exhale)

Great wind of the truck
Blossoms along the road
Lindy-hoppers in full swing


(Inhale)

Spent the day napping
And playing Go
Nobody thought me lazy


(Exhale)

From now on
I will not work for profit
or without profit


(Inhale)

Don’t worry spiders
we keep house
...casually


(Exhale)

These songbirds
They just don’t seem
American enough


(Inhale)

Bright Autumn moon
Am I the only one
who laughs this much?


(Exhale)

The snow is melting
and Yosemite Village is flooded
with tourists


(Inhale)

Deeply devoted, suddenly gone
I have the love life
Of a stray cat


(Exhale)
Tea and jazz
A modern Daoist
A rolling monastery


(Inhale)

Mosquito sings in my ear
Does she think
I’m deaf?


(Exhale)

Moving slowly in wet grass
The Snail & I
Drawing circles


(Inhale)

The wind humming through the trailer
Some can sing
and some can’t


(Exhale)

Cattle trucks passing
Americans kill brown cows
And brown people


(Inhale)

Snuggling with Marina
My mind wanders
I miss Marina


(Exhale)
Acupuncture is
A needle
and a haystack


(Inhale)

Sailing in our truck
A cricket on a branch in the river
Singing


(Exhale)

I left behind education
A degree folded into an airplane
So what?


(Inhale)

I may go blind
From my addiction
Gazing at the Moon


(Exhale)

Look, its Spring
Time for a new coat of paint
On our president


(Inhale)

Deep in the woods
Even the river chuckles with joy
What is happiness?


(Exhale)

Ear against soft bark
The sequoia sighs and dreams
Of giants


(Inhale)

Slowing the pace of mind
A tree doesn’t notice the snow
Just a transient friend


(Exhale)

Do not seek your own
Instead, find what others have lost
And return it


(Inhale)

Taiji play at sunrise
Long shadows attend my movements
Master and disciple


(Exhale)

In a tickle-fight
Surrender is usually better
Than pride


(Inhale)

Fog blankets the road
When the sky isn’t there
Where is my family?


(Exhale)

Past lies linger
Like high school GPA
Meaningless, but persistent


(Inhale)

Great gifts of my parents
Even more special than “life”:
No TV & the Hardy Boys


(Exhale)

Truck stop vegan
No, yes, chicken is meat,
...and so are you


(Inhale)

Coyote in the shadow
of a Walmart
“Yip Yip Howl” to you too


(Exhale)

American health care
Pay or die
Thank you, come again!


(Inhale)

Uncle gives me a hat
“The South Will Rise Again”
Doesn’t know his own past


(Exhale)

Waking up before the dawn
Shaking off the dew of dreams
Childhood memories just as misty


(Inhale)

Imported tea
Imported species
Native sky


(Exhale)

Big Dipper overhead
Purple qi pours down
People think I’m crazy


(Inhale)

Pale students in Tucson
Always cold indoors
Escaping the blazing sun


(Exhale)

Love is boundless
But it’s tough to by polyamorous
In christian America


(Inhale)

I don’t experience time
Life doesn’t march straight
So why should I?


(Exhale)

Annie Sunshine
Disappeared beneath the horizon
will she remember to return?


(Inhale)

My mother the artist
Spirit burning like a bonfire
Consuming from the inside out


(Exhale)

A warrior-poet
The greatest tragedy in my father’s life
That there are no wars to wage


(Inhale)

Sister with the heart of a soldier
Brilliant marcher, brave defender,
And just as superstitious


(Exhale)

My magic monkey
Beautiful, deep, & self-obsessed
Lian is lit from within


(Inhale)

Patient. Gentle. Kind.
Marina's laugh defies gravity!
Goofy. Sleepy. Ox.


(Exhale)

Tai is a powerhouse
Spirit both electric & tragic
A whirlwind stirs the dust of life


(Inhale)

Poetry is fun
Word-games
To avoid real work


(...Exhale...)

“Escape Pod” ...or... “Why Gratitude Tastes Like Hot-Peppers”

Helloooo friends!

Last month I wrote a nice long letter, but it mysteriously vanished from our brand-spankin’ new MacBook Pro. (We’re still getting used to this transition from PC to Mac. Somehow I feel like an ex-patriot in a foreign, WASP-ish, very tidy suburbia.) So, after procrastinating for a while about a re-write, I decided to simply summarize. Ready?
1.) Yes, John stay in-touch.
2.) No, John no hate Christians.
3.) Yes, John happy family doing well.
4.) No, John no think old memories can form basis of healthy relationship.
5.) Yes, John happy to help health issues. Send info. Get diagnosis. Feel better.
6.) No, not likely show up soon.
7.) Yes, playing meditation, taiji, qigong, medicine, language in China. May stay.
8.) No, John not dislike family. Not instigator.
9.) Yes, John very happy reconnect. ...Maybe little bit instigator. :-)

Now that we’re caught up, let’s move on. :oD

My wonderful partner in crime (occasionally literally) Marina has made the suggestion that I list some of the things I’ve been taking pleasure from lately. So, to start, here are a few of the Podcasts which we occasionally download.

-TED talks (I recommend this to everyone! Amazing!)
-Several “alternative medicine” and “allopathic medicine” podcasts (varied) (some I enjoy just to hear the arrogance of the anti-acupuncture community. They often have these incredible New England accents that you can barely understand; they are that posh! It’s not so much “speaking,” as modulated yawning. Honestly, it shouldn’t be possible to roll your double-yous, but they manage it somehow!)
-Alan Watts podcast (his classroom discussions are filled with wit and wisdom)
-Ask A Ninja (silly fun)
-Dan Carlin’s Hardcore History (good storytelling for history buffs, but a bit violent sometimes)
-Earth and Sky podcasts (environmental science)
-Epic Fu (great for Web 2.0 enthusiasts!)
-Podcastle and others (fun short stories, fiction)
-Honeybee Man (Marina studies apiculture)
-Various Martial Art Podcasts (“YMAA Netcast” and “Warrior Pages” are examples, there are no good Taiji quan casts)
-The Naked Scientists (Overview of all the latest and most enjoyable science)
-Scientific American Podcast (great for left-brain love)
-“NPR Jazz Profiles” and “Piano Jazz Shorts” , etc. (Loves me some Jazz, baby!)
-Wait Wait... Don’t Tell Me! Podcast (Fun and informative, liberal perspective)
-The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (hilarious! I’m not a democrat, but a great show!)
-The Onion Radio News Podcast (just ridiculous fun)
-Polyamory Weekly (everything you need to know about healthy relationships!)
-Stuff Mom Never Told You, Stuff You Missed in History Class, Stuff You Should Know (just interesting “stuff”)
-This American Life (amazing story-telling! I also recommend the TV series!!)
-A Way With Words (for word lovers only. Remember “A Fish Called Wanda?” Yeah, not like that. Well, ...maybe a bit.)
-I used to listen to “Zen Master,” until it Pod-Faded (I really only liked it because the guy was was clearly as mad as a spoon. He hated everything, including women and communists. However, given that the man couldn’t touch bottom with a long stick, he really read from the Buddhist classics beautifully.)

We also listen to audiobooks while driving. Lately, it’s been “Omnivore’s Dilemma,” various Mandarin studies, “Ishmael” by Daniel Quinn, and “A New Earth.”

Surprisingly, handwriting has been really enjoyable as of late. Classically, I had quite illegible handwriting. Other doctors always had trouble reading my health-intake notes. My handwriting was what might have been achieved by a spider on a trampoline during an earthquake. Now, the small bit of paperwork necessary for my job has become a chance to explore the meaning and expression behind each stroke and connection of these words I know so well. A very different experience than playing with brush calligraphy & Chinese characters! Am I an art nerd or what?! (Did you know that brush calligraphy and play with a straight sword (Chinese movement) are mutually beneficial?)

Lately, Marina and I have been really enjoying the game “Wei Qi,” also called “Go.” Super fun! It has the same complexity that’s available within the western game of Chess, but enabling non-linear play and fewer elitist ideals. You laugh? Tell me why the pawns go off and slaughter each other while the kings kick-back with their hot-chick and personal minister? The pawns could unite, have a talk with the rooks, and the whole board would be a republic in a dozen moves! :o) Actually, it’s really interesting to discover the “top-down” concepts inherent in almost every “modern” institution. Education, language, wealth, religion, interpersonal relationships, etc. etc. etc. Fascinating! What do you think? Conspiracy? Well, I’m not a tremendous conspiracy theorist, but feel certain that societal control does not rest where we like to think it does. Really, I just don’t like the argument that I hear against these theories: “Name one thing that’s going on that you don’t know about. There, you can’t... Can you?”

There is one specific thing I’d like to extend gratitude to my parents for. Thank you both for introducing me to charity. No, not the uber-hot, red-haired, youth teacher at that Baptist church I eventually seceded from (deep sigh); but the joy of giving. One of the best things my Pop ever did, was to take a bewildered me to a nearby house in Escondido. The old place had weeds that were years-overgrown. As tall as an 8-year old. My dad didn’t announce himself, but rather let the roar of a gas-powered mower make our introductions. From time to time as we hacked, chopped, sliced, pulled, and sweated our way through that yard, a small, white-haired, pale face would peek out from behind heavy 1970’s curtains. After several hours of landscaping and bagging, a tiny old woman ventured out from behind her door to offer us some lemonade. We went home soon after, quietly content in our little truck. That little act of neighborly love left a huge impact!

Another time, also in Escondido, my mum returned from her job at the bank with a story of a destitute man. He had somehow lost everything. I ran up to my room and grabbed a little cardboard box which held my “life-savings.” (Probably no more than $10!) Returning downstairs, I asked my mom to give it to him to help his family. Again, the simple act of anonymous giving left me feeling fantastic. Brotherly love is definitely addicting! A short time later, she returned with a thank you note, and a box of chocolates he had bought as a gesture of appreciation for my mom. Know what I felt? I thought to myself, “Wow! I bet he spent the money I gave him on that chocolate! What a waste! Why not spend it on his family??” Basically since that day, when asked by homeless folks on the street for change, I smile, shake their hand, and tell them that I don’t give money to humans. :o)

Bartering, however, is a wonderful way to interact with others! Instead of “charging” somebody for my services, we simply exchange “meaningful donations.” For example, in appreciation for lessons or treatments, I’ve been given everything from ridiculously large sums of money and food, to shoes and a over-large sweater. (It really was an awful garment, that pullover. It had a queasy zigzag pattern, in many strange, unhappy colors. It look like something knitted as a present by a colorblind aunt. The sort of thing you wouldn't dare throw away in case the garbage collectors laughed at you and kicked your trash cans over. However, because it was such a heartfelt gift of gratitude, the sweater kept me warm and happy up until the following week when I donated it to goodwill.) Actually, Amaris was probably my first introduction to bartering. I learned that I could get cookies for a couple hours of room cleaning. Unfortunately, I didn’t learn that I could’ve just made the cookies myself, and in less time. Maybe she was a sugar-cane slavery millionaire in a past life? Between cookie bake-sales in childhood, Halloween candy hoarding, and chocolate bar sales in high school, she has made a killing in carbohydrates over the years! Even my mother sold wedding cakes for a time, so perhaps its genetic? Hmmm... back to the conspiracy theories...

----------

All I really need, is a song in my heart,
Food in my belly, and love in my family.
All I really need, is a song in my heart,
Love in my family.

And I need the rain to fall,
And I need the sun to shine,
To give life to the seeds we sow,
To get the food we need to grow.


All I really need, is a song in my heart,
Food in my belly, and love in my family.
All I really need, is a song in my heart,
Love in my family.

And I need some clean water for drinkin’,
And I need some clean air for breathin’,
So that I can grow up strong,
Take my place where I belong.

All I really need is a song in my heart,
Love in my family!

(-Fun song by Raffi)

Lost Sheep (Singular or Plural?)

One of the reasons that this Blog exists, is to explain why I keep a healthy distance from my blood relatives. Honestly, I had been so caught up in occasionally wandering down amnesia-lane that this purpose had been forgotten. This will be a quick note on that subject. Hopefully, the missive won’t come-across as judgmental or unkind.

Writing to Amaris reminded me that there are some pretty substantial differences in our basic systems of belief. We’d only be able to speak about the most superficial subjects, sidetracking around superlatives such as spirituality, science, and symbolism. Other “S-Words” too!

She mentioned, with pride, that her pastor’s name is Rick Warran. Oh yes, I know of him. His name is synonymous with “Pat Robertson” and “Bigot.” He’s one of those cats that has given a bad name to the purely open and loving message of teachers like Jesus of Nazareth. One author called him, “ The televised, Bible-bashing entrepreneur that is perhaps the single most unattractive and embarrassing phenomenon modern American culture has ever produced.” Now, I wouldn’t go quite so far; but I do consider him a symptom of much that is troubling within American culture. The “we are right and will fix you whether you like it or not” mentality. Here’s another issue that is more rightly directed to Amaris directly:
You know, I was truly overjoyed to hear that you were “too nice for the business world.” What a wonderful compliment!! However, Lian and I were shocked to hear that you gave it all up. Very surprising, really. Now, I have this question for you: did you give it up because of the Christian doctrine that all women should submit to their husbands? “Promise Keepers” madness? I know that I’ve heard Paster Warran speak to this submission doctrine before. If so, then I am doubly shocked and saddened at this abasement. There’s nothing wrong with being a full-time mom, don’t get me wrong; but I do take issue with strong women playing weak for the sake of a cultural throwback.

This being said (and it did have to be said), though maintaining traditional positions on issues such as abortion and gay marriage, Warran has called on the church to focus its efforts on causes not traditionally associated with evangelicals. For example, he has done much for fighting international poverty and disease, expanding educational opportunities for the marginalized, and caring for the environment. There is often much possibility within the Christian community for positive action, and it’s nice that he is tapping this resource. I also have treated more than one person who has benefitted from his books, and for this he deserves many thanks. I’d shake his hand in person, if I could.

So, perhaps it’s best that my family keep ME at arm’s length? Statements like “religion has done more to damage the world than any other force in history” might be a cause of disruption at Thanksgiving dinner. Before moving to Arizona, even while maintaining silence at family gatherings, I was already being attacked by relatives for some of my views and choices. There is a lot of “Rick Warran’s attitude” in most of my family, and so they feel justified (righteous?) in commenting upon the lives of others. This makes it difficult for any flexibility (read: Harmony) to exist in the undercurrents. For example, I know for a fact that there is at least one homosexual in our family that is/was terrified about “coming out.” They confided in me because I don’t have the same prejudices as the majority of my relatives. Another member actually hears voices, but has never “come out” of that particular closet to receive aid. My own personal view of thankfully soon to be ex-president Bush II would also probably upset many family members. I believe he (or whoever owns him) is an eco-terrorist and war-criminal. Again, I’m not trying to be contentious or rude, but this is why I’m quarantining this discussion to a Blog. I have a memory of my father exploring the infinite possibilities within spirituality. He began to become ostracized and looked-down upon within the family. His own brother said something like “You are now my enemy.” I mean, C’mon! Seriously!? Am I the only one that has his sense of betrayal and heartbreak burned into my memory?

I could go on, but I think that ya’ll get my point. Right? Hmmm, let’s move back to a lighter subject. :o)

Conversation within a family setting is tough within a gathering of hard-core Christians. Even the names chosen by my Sister and her Hubby are biblical. Caleb is a biblical name right? Who? Ummm, friend of Joshua and Moses? And you can totally hear the Hebrew origin of Mikayla. Kind of cool to add that Hebrew throat-sound on the “K” (ch)! So, to balance this, I used the Urban Dictionary to look up the “street-meaning” of their names:

Mikayla:
Amazing, best girl you could meet
beautiful, smart, caring, definition of someone everyone loves.
never a whore,nor slut
mikayla is more than likely an amazing girl
gets what she wants
never gives up
a great person overall
Jenn- “wow, your so smart and pretty”
Cassie- “I know, I'm pulling a Mikayla”

Caleb:
to have a sexy body. to have strong biceps, and ripped abs, and a nice ass
“look at that caleb lifting 500 lbs!!”
“thats guy is a total caleb!”
“Man, that caleb is a total hottie!“

Much more fun, and all-inclusive. Don’t you agree?
I personally think that God can be found anywhere and everywhere we look, and so sign-posts trying to point in God’s direction sorta become silly and, well... point-less.
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"The Kingdom of Heaven is Within You" - The Naz

Long Road to the Road

One morning, while hanging out in a Yosemite community kitchen, several friends began talking about the future. “What would be the ideal living situation? What would a perfect home look like? Where in the world would be the best place to settle?” These were some questions that were asked, and all of the answers given were surprisingly similar. Thus was born the dream of the Conscious Creation Community (CCC).

Since we all envisioned practically the same communal living space, we thought, “Why not work on it together?” For weeks, the discussions circled like an eagle on an updraft around this distant target. Would such a grand vision be possible? So, I heroically stood and declared that there would only be one way to find out. We stacked ourselves fearlessly into a cheerleader-like pyramid and shouted, “Let’s do it!” ...Or, “Go Team!” ...Or... something like that.

Well, actually, most of my friends suddenly became quite terrified at the prospect of pursuing their dreams. This is an aspect of human ego that has always mystified my rather driven nature. To date, dozens of these totally amazing people remain “on the fence” about their own creation. “To be or not to be,” seems to be the question at hand. Also: “Get busy livin’, or get busy dyin.” Or: “A bird in the hand, gathers no moss.” And: “Would you like fries with that?”

Before anything can happen, however, several steps need to be taken. First, we need a better idea about what we are looking for in a community. Second, we need to know where in the world this space will evolve. Finally, we need enough financial backing to follow through with these abstractions. A number of us collected and wrote down some thoughts about the CCC via e-mail. Our numbers contain experts in every subject from permaculture and carpentry, to medicine and the culinary sciences. We are a well-rounded group to begin a social-circle. Others of our number are fairly wealthy already, owning multiple houses (for liquidation) and large savings accounts. One of our family is even currently traveling to find the appropriate spot to settle. (At this moment she is in Tasmania, but will probably continue her search in another place soon.)

Within our approaching success, I realized that in this material world money would play a large part in cementing our creation. So, in order to speed this along, my best friend Marina & I decided to leave the comfort of Yosemite for the open road. Yup, ya’ll may not have seen this coming, but we became long-haul truck drivers. The most common response to this news is, “I just don’t see you doing that, John.” As though I belong locked in lotus-posture on a mountain top, or running a free-clinic in downtown Berkley. C’mon people! I love my new job! :o) This position affords me the chance to meditate 10 hours a day, listen to all the audiobooks that I can stand (or...sit), study Mandarin full-time, hang out with my buddy, practice taiji quan whenever I want, do tons of qigong, AND... make piles of money. We can pull-in almost $500 a day on our beginning pay-scale, and build our savings for the CCC. Also, this is our chance to tour the beauty of America before leaving her forever. (I have no intention of staying in this place for long. Let’s just say that I have studied history in detail, and am not a fan of the US.) "O to be a sailor of the world, bound for every port!"

Well, that’s about all that I’ll write for today. I recently discovered a Facebook account for Amaris Hossli, and will create a fake account to let her know about this Blog. She is, after all, a large part of the reason that I’m sitting here writing instead of enjoying this gorgeous, crisp, COLD Montana morning. Below, I’m going to attach the CCC letter that was written to friends as an overview of my own hopes and aspirations for our community.
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Ho Ho Ho! Merry CCC-Mas! So, here are my initial thoughts about how the farm will look.
(Disclaimer: all statements are subject to radical change as better ideas come along.)

Physical location: I'd like this space to be large. That is, the area
that we live on to be reasonably small (comfortable), but the land
where the home is resting should be large. I like the idea of
purchasing large swaths of "un-sullied" land in order to nurture the
nature. Humans can give back to the land as caretakers, right? …Just
to have a number to play with, we often talk about 1,000 acres, but
that number is only a reference point for discussion.

I'd like for the family on the land to be able to live independent of
the outside world. (Not that I'm seeking an isolationist life, but the
freedom is worth developing.) As such, I think that a fully productive
garden and perhaps a greenhouse would be fun. If a surplus of food is produced on this land, perhaps then we can provide for any locals that may have trouble finding enough food for their own families.

This brings me to another point: I'd like to leave the United States
of America. Truly, I'm quite sorry to say so, but this government
bites! After finishing medical school, my friends and I began studying
history along with our socio-political economic tendencies. After
becoming horrified, I decided that this is not a place that I'd like
to create a home. At the moment I'm playing with the idea of Costa
Rica or Nicaragua; but, again, those are just more reference points.
I do love trees. A forest would be nice. Rainforest? How `bout a
jungle? Well, you get the idea. I'm open for several variations.

Water is very important to me. It's good FengShui to live near a slow
moving small river, with a hill or mountain behind the house (did I
mention that I like mountains?), and with a lovely lake in the
distance in front of the house. Sounds nice to me! In general FengShui principals are very important to me.

One important piece of discussion will be "global warming" & and other environmental / political/ economic changes that are a-comin'. For example, we won't want to be too close to sea level, or in a place
where people will find a cache of oil.

I would like to be in a beautiful and extremely rural location, but
close enough to a real city that we can make a day trip if needed.

My home will be completely "green." This is part of the reason that
we'll be creating this space. No more half-measures. No more saying,
"Sure, that's nice, but wouldn't it be really great if…" Finally,
we'll have the chance to do it right the first time. It'll be
difficult, but way fun. As little a footprint as possible. The space
itself should be built to compliment nature, rather than detract from
its beauty.

Family: I'd enjoy a community of like-minded people. Of course this
has a number of implications that will be explored (along with all of
these other subjects) in great detail over the next little while.

A daily practice would be an important requirement for people wanting to live on the farm. All people need (in the very least) a method of processing their life experiences. Without those practices drama can become an issue, issues can become problems, and problems can tear apart a community. "Ego" is a term often used in meditation circles. I think that the dissolution of the ego (or at least this process) is a very important way to keep a village healthy. This is the same for lifestyle choices. I don't think that it's possible to live an
"internally" healthy life, while living an externally unhealthy one.
For example, I don't believe that substance abuse is complimentary to a balanced mental/emotional lifestyle, and no spiritual master that
I've ever heard of would ever recommend such crap. Positively &
optimism will be a way of life, so that the social environment itself
supports a healthy mindset.

I'd like to create a space where people can come to heal and to train
over a long period of time. Perhaps they can pay, or maybe they can
just work hard for this opportunity. (That'll be figured out later.)
This can be the same if they come to learn a skill from another person living in the CCC.

No money should be needed in this space, but everyone does their part equally. (Communally based economy?) However, there will be a way to build a reasonable income for the family, and I'm sure that we all have ideas about this.

People will never have to "work," but everything will get done. That
is, some of us like to run a kitchen and cook, some of us like to
garden, and some enjoy cleaning. Why not let everyone do what they do for fun anyway?

I am unsure about whether or not people there should be vegan. No
single choice has more profound an effect on the world at large as the choice to go vegan. (For instance, the single largest source of
green-house gasses comes from the cattle industry. Even more than the entire transportation industry!) However, I can see instances where the eating of meat has no detrimental effect to anyone but the person doing the consuming (for example, eating road kill). This, as well, deserves further discussion. Veganism is not a religion to me.

Finally, we have noticed that people want to reap the benefits of the
CCC without doing any of the work. "Call me when it's done" is the
most common phrase we've heard lately. We also realize that people
de-value things that contain no real investment on their part. Perhaps
some sort of investment should be mandatory for anyone wishing to join?

Well, these are some of the things that I've been dreaming about for
the past few years. If everyone else will write some of their own
hopes & fantasies down, maybe we can consider them a blueprint for the future? :oD
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If your meditation
Is truly high and deep,
Then you are bound to have
A silent dialogue with peace.

The No-Thing-Ness of Spirit

I have a few scattered remarks about spirituality. Spirituality is not an achievement, a salvation, an accomplishment, a technology or technique for living. It is not an ideology, not dogmatic, has no scriptures nor practices. These experiences belong to paradigms alien to spirituality. These experiences are heavy and are attempts to anchor our existence to something for purposes of security.

There is not a way, path, exercises, ideology, teaching, dogma, etc. that one uses to find it. It finds you, sometimes gradually, sometimes slowly in mini insights or maxi insights that happen to you but that you do not propose or cause to occur. There are many ways of talking about it but none of them can get you to it. All one can say is that if any of the above are what you are looking for, spirituality will escape you.

[I love it when people make up a story to explain their non-linear insights. These can range from magical people & animals, to aliens & accidents. The one about the pirate and the magic stone is great (Mormon), and the alien overlord brainwashing alien ghosts is fantastic (Scientology). However, my favorite has to do with worlds resting upon the backs of giant turtles. The stars move overhead as the oblivious reptile swims through the galaxy, looking for a mate. New worlds are born as they copulate. (Talk about a big bang theory!) ]

There is an incredible lightness of being in spirituality. Light as opposed to darkness and light as opposed to heaviness.

Heaviness is often sought to anchor our lives down and promote security of salvation, a strong foundation to stand on, a belief system to secure us, a teaching or practice to keep us on the track to salvation / enlightenment / meaning /value / importance. Curiously, this stable, salvation grounded security is usually focused and considered as reaching fullness in some other existence than the present. Spirituality is about the present. It is always at hand. It is a way of experiencing life now.

It is incredibly light in that it is not anchored down to any "thing", mental, behavioral or otherwise. It is generally experienced as liberation in comparison to the slavery of the "egoic self". It cannot be calculated or measured by any calculation of degree or depth.

It carries no baggage at all. Liberation from the baggage, the heaviness of the above is, for me, it's most treasured quality. It is not-denominational, not subject to schools of teaching, not ideological, not achieved, not serious, not defensible nor convincible, in no way judgmental and not what most people associated with religion call religious, pious, or formulaic, not dogmatic, does not depend on exercises or paths which are as heavy and stilted as they can be. Zen, Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism are suggestive substitutes for spirituality that all too often distract from spirituality. Zen, often considered the most transformative way into spirituality, is, in my estimation, a finger pointing in the right direction, but has been compromised in its traditions and organized "paths" and "ways".

Spirituality is full of mercy and compassion, non-judgment and empathy. Absent these qualities, what passes for spirituality is farce and illusion.

For many people, spirituality is often entered a few minutes before death. That is a shame considering that it is available from at least the age of 60 or on, give or take 60 years.

Subjectively, it feels like a huge burden has been lifted from one's shoulders. I am often asked how it happens to one. Sometimes it's like a flash of lightning in a life, most of the time it beckons to us in suffering or the daily upsetness or stresses of our experiences or in situations when our world is falling apart. When one becomes sick of the sickness of not experiencing life spiritually, the opportunity for entering it opens up. Sometimes one slides into it as easily as a hot knife cuts soft butter. Whatever way it happens to one, the happening is not a paradigm, a technique, or a path for others to follow. It's not something you have, it has you, and then you find it leaves you being a liberated you with a lightness of being beyond previous imagining.

The entrance into spirituality is always idiosyncratic and always involves the loss of the mind-made self and a discovery of the actual self.

I cannot say any more about it. Experience it and let me know what words you might use to talk about it. Like mine, they will always seem as articulate as a baby babbling.

(Thanks to: excentrik-spirituallity.blogspot.com for the wonderful phrase-ology!)
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The Way that can be told of is not an unvarying way;

The names that can be named are not unvarying names.

It was from the Nameless that Heaven and Earth sprang;

The named is but the mother that rears the ten thousand creatures, each after its kind.

Snake Style

Even as a child I loved the martial arts. I never truly identified myself with them, but the arts did permeate my life. Amaris & I would sometimes play “ninja classes,” with myself as the teacher. I have memories of telling her to jump banisters and walk rolls of carpet for balance. Apparently, socks on my hands, a towel for a cape, and a bandanna transformed me into a super-ninja. With my friends, I would love to wrestle & box. In elementary school Matt & I would play “swing wars,” using the largest playground swing-sets. We’d get as high as we could and then slam into each other. Whoever was knocked off first would lose. Usually, afterward, we’d tease the older 7^th graders until they jumped the fence to fight. (We’d return home laughing and covered in bruises.) While very young my friend Scotty & I would wrestle. I have a memory of discovering that I could simply step into the spot that he was about to step toward, and he’d fall down. When he asked where I’d learned such a trick, I replied that my Dad taught me how to wrestle (a lie). This use of force was fascinating to me; and when I had the chance to experiment upon other kids…well, I turned into a bit of a bully. (Eventually I understood my actions, and this knowledge was the single largest source of shame that I carried around for many years. There was definitely a grain or two of aggression to work through.) My father seemed to have an awareness of my interest, and enrolled me into a Judo school. On the first day, however, the instructor grabbed and threw me to the mat. I had never been taught to fall and felt awful for weeks afterward. Because of that Sensei’s ego & lack of compassion, I was put off from the martial arts for years.

During my life I have studied a number of styles: Taekwondo (Korean), Judo, Jujitsu, Shotokan Karate, American Kenpo-Karate, Hawaiian Kali-Kempo (Japanese), Kali (Filipino), Kajukembo (Mixed), and Taiji Quan (“Tai Chi”) (Chinese). It was fun to learn the different types of movement, and all of the different ways that you could engage your body with a partner. Every culture has produced different methods, different objectives, and they all work. For example, the Japanese have an established system, and a rigid style of movement. They take a student and mold them to fit the system. The Chinese, however, have rigid methods of training, but then mold the system to fit the student. Pretty interesting, eh? But I digress…

For a while I trained with the “Iron Palm” & “Iron Shirt” methods. These are designed to, well, you can probably guess from their names. (Otherwise, a short search on the Internet will give you enough information.) They are forms of “hard/external qigong” training. Without going into lengthy explanations here, qigong is a kind of exercise that makes use of the less obvious & more subtle aspects of our physical/mental nature. (I have studied Qi techniques in great detail, and recommend reading Ken Cohen’s book “The Way of Qigong” for more information.) Anyway, I drove around for years with an Iron Palm bag filled with metal pellets on my lap. Repeatedly pounding my hands into that thing, I wonder what the other motorists thought I was doing? As often as possible, I began training very “hard-style.” What does this mean? Well, falls on bare cement, sparring without gloves or pads, striking wooden blocks instead of a padded bag, etc. For a time, I forced my body to its limit; reasoning that I could push past my illness & fatigue. I wanted to forcibly transform myself into a healthy person. Silly me. :o) Lian & I developed contempt for the majority of martial schools to be found in America. “Mc-Dojos” we’d sneer, and notice how their instructors couldn’t fight most beginning boxers without getting pounded. Like Amaris’ Taekwondo studies in college, they have you on a set plan: black belt by graduation. “A 4-year weekend black belt,” we’d laugh, “how is that possible?” Before even studying grappling, I recall repeatedly trouncing an instructor at a nearby Jujitsu school during training. I later felt bad for treating him that way in front of other students. He didn’t know that his training had been poor, and was a very nice guy.

My practice methods at this point were completely external and hard in nature. Purely mechanical. I began studying properties of leverage and the “physics” of the martial arts. I was even turning over in my mind an interesting new concept in Thau-dimensional physics which unified time, space, magnetism, gravity and, for some reason, broccoli.

Somewhere in this tale, I began to teach Tai Chi. I was offered the position at a gym and figured that as a martial artist, Tai Chi would be a piece of cake. “An oversimplified, slowed-down, silly exercise for the extremely old.” Right? Unfortunately, that’s how I began to share the art with some eager students. Very luckily, Lian gave me a wonderful birthday present. She took me to study with a Tai Chi (more properly spelled and pronounced Taiji) master named Chen Xiaowang. I didn’t know it at the time, but he is one of the highest-level martial artists in the world. What are the chances that my first real exposure to the internal arts would come from him? Sheesh! I am one fortunate dude. The experiences I had with him changed my life. His qi is incredible! I saw and felt things with him that I had never dreamed were possible within the martial arts. Lian as my witness, I was instantly hooked.

Now, I must admit, that my initial interest was in its martial qualities. I wanted to become a better fighter. This is a very common way for people to get into the internal arts. One of my teachers was once a Hell’s Angel, a bodyguard, and a recognized master of the Northern Shaolin school of martial arts. Long story short, he was to interview Grandmaster Chen for a kungfu magazine decades ago. Afterward, when sparring with Chen, he was beaten repeatedly, with great ease, and with the grandmaster using the same movement over and over. How could this old guy beat him so easily? So, he traveled to China to find out. Other masters, like Vince Black (recognized full-contact fighter, instructor, and all-around jerk) was defeated by some tiny unknown taiji practitioner from Canada. Stories like these are innumerable. There is an inheritor of “WingChung” (a martial art) living in Tucson. He loves taiji so much that it’s all he practices, and has completely lost interest in teaching his family art. (Just another case of heir today, gone tomorrow.)

Lian, Tai, & I also began to practice some other forms of qigong (like standing posture, gathering methods, etc.). Without understanding what was happening, our lives began to transform. Some of the first tell-tale signs appeared while sparring. At one point, desperate to find trained fighters that liked to box “hard,” Lian and I actually took out an ad to find sparring partners. These people were the toughest that we could find, several of them trained cage-fighters. After a few months of “internal” training, we began to discover that we were hitting too hard. For example, I was putting fighters on the ground with one punch! (This release of power is called a “qi-strike,” but we didn’t understand it until we had lost several of our partners.) Lian & I were also doing occasional damage to each other with tiny, seemingly harmless movements, and had to stop sparring altogether in order to be safe. You’d think that this sudden increase in fighting capacity would have made me excited, but it was another sign of my transformation that I, instead, felt terrible. I hated hurting those people. This compassion was very new for me, and not what I had expected. :oD

[At this point, I feel that I should define the difference between “internal” & “external” methods. However, I just don’t feel like going into all of that. Most of you readers wouldn’t be interested the subtleties, anyway. So, if you are truly confused I recommend reading some books about the subject, including the aforementioned text by Master Cohen. Nothing, though, replaces direct experience with the arts. As one simple example of these concepts, take Western vs. Eastern forms of exercise. (Remember, I was a personal fitness trainer, and so am expert in both methods.) Western exercise works within the system of negative feedback. If you want to strengthen your body, you would lift weights until failure occurs. Basically, you would traumatize your body badly enough so that it exclaims, “Holy crap, I had better get stronger so that this doesn’t happen again!” Then, of course, you change things up and shock your body again and again; as often as possible. Doing this, you drain resources that you probably didn’t have in the first place. Using this model, you always lose more than you gain. Eastern exercise, in contrast, works within the system of positive feedback. For instance, if you’d like to grow stronger you’d increase your level of health, and fill up any drained resources. This may be through diet, rest, breath-work, meditation, healing a relationship, qigong, or anything else that is needed. Then, when your body has renewed itself, you apply a very gentle form of stimulation like taiji. Your body says, “Oh, hey, I’d like to make that even easier; and look, I have extra qi to expend on muscular strength! Let’s do that.” This way, you always receive more than you give. Make sense? It’s very important to recognize that there is a marked difference between “health” & “fitness.” Both are possible, but need to be carefully nurtured. If you wanted to grow a tomato plant, you would water, feed, shade, & weed; not hack at its leaves or pull on the top, hoping to make it grow faster in response. One is an internal soft method; one is an external hard method. Well, sorta; but close enough for jazz.]

Aggression was soon replaced by an interest in the dynamics of harmony & conflict. Not from a religious or pacifist viewpoint, but as one genuinely interested in the practicality of such methods. What sorts of interactions actually deliver the best possible outcome? What would be the highest levels of any martial art? Would it even include physical fighting? One interesting aspect of taiji is that it modifies your way of being in the world. That is, you adjust your qi so that conflict (whether physical or mental) simply doesn’t occur. You find balance beforehand. What does this mean? Well, situations that would normally require you to defend yourself simply never arise. The patterns of mental or even verbal disharmony resolve before they get started. Sound strange? Well, it’s a pretty amazing side-effect. Maybe this would be the highest level of self-defense?

As the desire to fight slowly drained out of me, I noticed that my health was quickly improving. Symptoms that I had grown used to over my lifetime disappeared, and was replaced by a sense of well-being and vibrant health. This thrilled me more than fighting ever had. I didn’t even know that it was possible to feel so great! Without my understanding how, the very reasons that I chose to train with taiji quan began to change. I didn’t care about combat, and only wanted to focus on feeling better. I practiced for hours every day, even in the back of my acupuncture classrooms & clinic. Bit by bit my migraines disappeared, scoliosis gave way to a straight spine, lung weakness, colds & flu vanished never to return. Insomnia, digestive disorders, organ dysfunction, cardiac weakness, inflexibility, skin problems, muscular weakness, body pain, great fatigue, tinnitus, and even dental problems. All cured. (These methods are amazing! If you don’t practice them now, I recommend learning as quickly as you can!)

When I had an interest in learning the Chen-Style Taiji Quan straight sword form, I first spent a long time practicing Chinese calligraphy. The lessons are the same, and they inform each other’s practice. In fact, many of the most revered calligraphers in Chinese history were also the most renowned fencers.

Much sooner than I had expected, I had met all of the goals I had set for the practice of the internal arts. I had started the training to become a better fighter, and then had wanted to develop a healthy body. Where would I go now? Should I even bother keep training? Maybe I should simply put more time into my medical studies & play piano a few times per day? Soon though, during these contemplations, I realized just how deep these internal lessons could go. I apprehended that my learning had only scratched the surface. What other levels of subtle awareness could there be? How much life is there out there to observe? What is the mind truly capable of? What about spiritual or metaphysical concepts that before seemed so silly? (It is now known to science that there are many more dimensions than the classical four. Scientists say that these don’t normally impinge on the world because the extra dimensions are very small and curve in on themselves, and that since reality is fractal most of it is tucked inside itself. This means either that the universe is more full of wonders than we can hope to understand or, more probably, that scientists make things up as they go along. But the multiverse is full of little dimensionettes, play-streets of creation where creatures of the imagination can romp without being knocked down by serious actuality. Sometimes, as they drift through the holes in reality, they impinge back on this universe, when they give rise to myths, legends and charges of being Drunk and Disorderly.) There is so much in this life to explore!

And how about teaching? That is always fun and informative. I’ve become as excited to show this stuff to a student as I am to experience it myself. I love to write articles about the subject & to make DVDs (published in several places), and I am working on a book or 3. I was even the Taiji advisor to Dr. Andrew Weil & his Integrative Medicine program while still in Tucson (he’s worth reading about if you’re confused).

As time wore on, I would practice a little, learn a little, become more excited, and then learn a little more. This cycle has continued unabated since. It’s so much fun!

…and that’s become the most important lesson for me. To play taiji because it’s FUN! (In fact, in China, they never demand that you “Practice Taiji,” they declare that you should “Play Taiji.”) What could be better than that?

When I heard the learned astronomer,

When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me,

When I was shown the charts and diagrams, to add, divide, and measure them,

When I sitting heard the astronomer where he lectured with much applause in the lecture room,

How soon unaccountable I became tired and sick,

Till rising and gliding out I wandered off by myself,

In the mystical moist night air, and from time to time,

Looked up in perfect silence at the stars.

Book-Worms & Schools of Fish

Hanging out with Marina’s family is pretty interesting. The majority of my life has been spent with people that prize intellect & education, but the Pierce’s seem to care about different things. (Which, by the way, is totally great. It’s always nice to be exposed to new ways of looking at the world.)

For the most part, my own family is super-duper elitist. It’s as if the royalty in our blood has tainted our view of the average human. Cerebral snobbery is no exception. Within Marina’s family, there is no expectation of scholastic attainment whatsoever. It seems that if you manage a 2-year degree at a junior college, you’ll be considered a smarty-pants. However, a Mattox or a Carlson without a 4-year degree is considered an oaf or a slacker. Never in my life did my sister or I consider stopping study before a post-graduate education. If you had asked us about it, we probably would have confided that certain conditions would need to apply first (ie. blue moons, aerial pigs and we, Mattoxs, being seen in hell).

Now, it’s not that I consider intellectual aspirations to be a bad thing (Although “knowing” stuff can definitely hamper one’s ability to experience reality). Only considering the pursuit to be “higher,” classier, or somehow better than another calling seems screwed-up. Personally, I feel as though my brain is over-full. Book-learning needs to be balanced with actual experience & psycho-spiritual development.

The high school nurse & I got to know each other pretty well. I essentially spent more time with her than in my homeroom class. Yeah, I used illness as a way out of anything that I didn’t enjoy. Oh, and I really didn’t enjoy school. At all. Sure, band was pleasant, but I simply hadn’t come to a place in my life where learning seemed fun. These days, as an instructor, I find that it’s essential to teach only to students who are ready to learn. Every other pupil simply wants to be entertained …which is cool too. (Any attempts to instruct them usually will result in empty gazes of good-natured constipation.) Actually, it wasn’t until I started investigating medicine & taiji quan that I took a real interest in my studies. Before that, I treated school as a hobby and engaged in a great deal of “bulimic” learning.

After floating halfway through my foggy high school experience, I somehow stumbled into the decision to test out of school early. I’ve gotta say that this was one of the best choices that I could have made. (It’s funny, looking back now at my life, it’s surprising that I chose to make such a radical decision. I don’t recall doing anything requiring half so much initiative. Passion & spontaneity weren’t well-developed aspects of my personality at that time. I was just too damn tired for that sort of crap.) Not only did the CHESPE certificate add a sort of impressive distinction to my otherwise unimpressive & indistinct schooling transcript, but the decision set me free to explore the world around me, at my own pace. This freedom allowed me to ditch the “school for the sake of school” mentality, and to discover the joy of learning. Even now, outside the formal schooling system, I carry a few books in my ever-present backpack. At this moment, I’m carrying texts about the study of mandarin, traditional Chinese medicine, Daoist philosophy, the history of the internal combustion engine, and American history (“A People’s History of the United States” by Howard Zinn… an eye-opening book! It certainly shows what our ancestors would be thinking if they were alive today. [People have often speculated about this. Would they approve of modern society, they ask, would they marvel at present-day achievements? And of course this misses a fundamental point. What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: “Why is it so dark in here?”]).

This educational exploration extended for years, spanned 9 schools, and covered a tremendous variety of subjects. Now, not only can I bore people at parties with almost any topic, but I kick-ass at “Trivia”. Ahhh, the benefits of a liberal learning-curve. Funnily enough, a Master’s degree was the first official degree that I had ever applied for. I simply never had a reason to apply for a similar piece of paper before. When I approached the medical post-graduate program without the appropriate certifications, happily they told me that my transcripts were impressive enough to get me into the school. I’ve always been pretty lucky that way.

Halfway through my study at acupuncture school, I decided to take a short trip & head to Australia. (It’s quite essential to take breaks from time to time.) I’d developed a love for New Zealand beforehand, and thought it’d be fun to explore the neighborhood. The time spent there & hiking across Tasmania altered my life dramatically; but that’s a subject for a different time. …It’s wonderful, isn’t it? How way leads to way? Knowledge is transformative, and each transformation places us on a different path. Each path leads to new discovery, further experience, some discarding, and more knowledge. And so it goes. Truly, it’s one of the reasons that it has taken me so long to write this “blog to my blood.” Life keeps changing. How can I tell them where I am at if circumstances are constantly in flux?

My trade school studies have ranged everywhere from personal fitness training to long-haul trucking. Speaking of which, I have to say that trucking is a wonderful gig for a meditator. With an appropriate mind-set, the vehicle becomes a moving monastery. Pure, quiet awareness meditation; for 11 hours per day. Heck, it should be required for every student of Zen methodology. With a partner & a consistent schedule, you’ll pull in more than 100-grand a year. More importantly, you’ll establish that all-important foundation of a still & peaceful mind. Now, you ask, why in the heck would a doctor become a trucker? Well, after spending time in a clinic, I decided that I didn’t feel comfortable making money off of someone’s misery. It makes me feel like a vulture or an extortionist. Daily, I do treat people for free; but I’ll never get rich from my skills as a healer. I’m very happy about that.

Currently, the vast majority of my studies are of the Daoist arts of internal transformation. QiGong, Taiji Quan, meditation, etc. They carry far more depth and interest to me than any other subjects that I’ve come across. Initially, my work on these methods was for my own health-benefit; but now that I’m completely healed I’ve discovered the more subtle & interesting layers of the arts. Also, I’m actively learning to teach. The poetry of good instruction has become fascinating. I’ll blog about that stuff later. :o)

Once I spoke the language of the flowers,
Once I understood each word the caterpillar said,
Once I smiled in secret at the gossip of the starlings,
And shared a conversation with the housefly
in my bed.
Once I heard and answered all the questions
of the crickets,
And joined the crying of each falling dying
flake of snow,
Once I spoke the language of the flowers. . . .
How did it go?
How did it go?

Sugar-Free Jazz

For at least half of my life, I assumed that I’d eventually become a full-time professional musician. Heck, why not? It was practically my sole interest & the chief foundation of my social structure. Music was the only place that I found clarity and a sense of self. Besides, I’m good at it; & isn’t that the reason that most people choose to do what they do? Because they crave results? Well, eventually that wasn’t what I was looking for (but I’ll get to that).

I wrote music constantly as a kid. Humming, making stuff up, adding to songs on the radio & rewriting lyrics when I couldn’t recall the words. Riding in the car with my mom at about age 5, I remember telling her that I could guess what was coming next in a song. I still have that knack for guessing what’s next in a tune I’ve never heard (but usually because pop-tunes are all following the same basic musical formula). About the same time, I decided that if they could write then so could I. Usually, I would sing about Christian stuff. After hearing my uncle preach about hell-fire & damnation, taking the Lord’s name in vain, and other concepts of this wrathful jackass of a God, I worriedly asked my father if Jesus thinks it’s okay that I make up songs about him. His exact response was, “He’s tickled pink about it.” Thanks Dad. Perfect answer. :o) Probably, all he did was delay my departure from the church for a few more years. Most likely, I would have fled the the Church anyway, spurred by the music dancing in my mind in anti-point with a desire to be a "Good Christian." Eventually, the passion for music would have burst out of my chest like an alien; and I’d have burned my Bible in effigy to “DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince.” :o)

Kids rebel against everything. Can you believe that I hated going to piano class? My parents were nice enough to send me to the Yamaha school for beginning keyboard lessons, but I’d ditch as often as I could. Partially, it was the fear of performance that kept me from enjoying myself. That pervasive fearfulness was the major bane of my musical exploration for years to come. I loved playing in small ensembles because of the sharing and communication, but couldn’t bear my own tremendous expectations. I’d even have tiny panic attacks from time to time, but didn’t really understand what was happening. All in all, I was a pretty off-balance kid; expanded through the intrinsic understanding of the world that I was born with, but chained down by attachments to what "should be."

(All of this being said, one wrench removed from this otherwise heart-wrenching story, is that I’ve always been quite “aware.” My Dad & Lian know the most about this, and it’s hard to describe. I’ll write about it at some point. Suffice-it to say that I was born with a funny knowledge-base that I’ve had trouble integrating into “John’s life.” So, don’t feel too sorry for me. Even as a young child I knew that none of this stuff really mattered. Like most people, I suffered because of a desire to do so. )

In the 5^th grade, my cool grandma gave me the gift of an ancient stolen sax. She had played on it years before, and then donated it to the John cause. Initially it was just another thing to be afraid of. Looking back I can say that it remains one of the best holiday gifts I’ve ever received (alongside a dog & a taiji lesson). Once again, my parents were generous enough to pay for private lessons to help me to excel. Later, we replaced my old sax with a rented tin-can of an instrument, which was replaced by another & another. eventually, I purchased my own dream saxophone, and was the last I’d ever own.

As the years rolled by, I did manage to practice nearly every day. Sadly, there was rarely any joy in it. Mostly a grudging sense of “needing to practice so that I don’t suck.” For some reason, I had difficulty connecting my own great passion for music with actually playing the instrument. Certainly, my skill improved daily, and I was considered very talented within the music community; but I rarely played for “fun.” It’s as if the sax was an invitation to get into the party, but was not the celebration itself. Much later I uncovered part of the reason for this impression. In school, I became a music major & even gigged around LA a little. While living in Sedona, I would go to the river at night and play to the red rocks. I was part of a reasonably successful sax quintet, did jam sessions, studied solos of the sax greats, & even got a job at a jazz club so that I could learn from the pros. …And did it help jump-start my passion for performance? Nope. Not even a little.

In my 20’s, Lian and I moved to Tucson to help a troubled friend. To pay for the transition, we sold my super-sax and I stopped playing completely. It was a pretty hard decision! When I started graduate school I realized that I needed to focus on becoming a capable doctor. I’ve never been good at dividing my attention. When I do, I tend to fail at both subjects. So, I promised myself that I would restart playing when I graduated. During schooling, though, I uncovered my great love of the internal arts. This increased my sensitivity & self-awareness many-fold. I became conscious of why I never enjoyed actually playing the sax. Other than the mental-emotional binding, my body just didn’t respond to the physical process of playing sax very well. It made me feel bad, but I had been too disconnected to notice. Whenever I wanted to just chill out and play music, I would hang-out on the piano. For some reason, it feels better under my fingers than any other instrument. (Pretty funny, huh? Finally returning to the Yamaha classes!) So, I’ve decided to give up woodwind instruments permanently in exchange for the piano. It’s pretty tough to start over as a musician (back to scales & finger-position), but I’m happy to try.

Now, where’s my sheet-music for “Mary Had A Little Lamb?”…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced, but they
Out-did the sparkling leaves in glee;
A poet could not be but gay,
In such a jocund company!
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

Me, and My Shadow

Ah, Lian.

The longest, and most important relationship in my life has been with that crazy lady. :o)

Being unable to define the darned thing, it may be tough for me to describe it to anyone that hasn’t seen us together. So? Instead, I’ll just give a brief overview of our history.

We met back in La Mirada as teenagers. Initially hanging out with mutual friends, and very soon spending all of our time together. From schooling to sparring, sharing it all. We never tired of the company, although sometimes our camaraderie was pretty volatile. Lian was the first person that I felt comfortable exploring my mind with. She was happy to talk about any crazy subject that would come up. (Why tortoises hate philosophy, why too much religion is bad for goats, and what it really is that handmaidens actually do.) She was also willing to embark upon any crazy adventure that we’d dream up. (We liked finding places without people, when possible. Places on distant hilltops where we could see the heavens. Also, in the dark of night, the stars below us were campfires, out in the desert, and the lights of remote towns high in the forested mountains. Townships are smeared nebulae, cities are vast constellations; the great sprawling city of LA, for example, glows like a couple of colliding galaxies.) This, eventually, is how we ended up living together in Sedona, Arizona.

We stayed in the Red Rocks for quite a while, moved back to La Mirada for a bit to study the martial arts, and bought a 30’ RV. Rushing to the aid of another friend, we ended up in Tucson, Arizona where Lian started at the astrological university. After a year or so cruisin’ around in the RV, we got a house. After a few years in the house, however, we parted ways & haven’t really seen each other since. Crazy huh? We lived with each other for about 9 years total.

Why’d we separate? It’s a hard question and has a lot to do with the closeness of our relationship. We weren’t dating, but our other friends were typically intimidated by the intimate nature of our companionship. We were often called “twins” by the people around us, or “impenetrable” by those trying to share our lives. We lost a few opportunities for relationships over the years with some amazing people, because they felt nervous about the nature of our bond. In the end, a gent that Lian was interested in would not stay with her as long as she would stay with me. So, she felt that in order to grow in new ways she’d have to say farewell to our partnership.

And we have grown from the new directions. Initially, our relationship was as self-centered as a gyroscope. We were so intertwined that we were unable to grow in distinctive directions. Now that our branches have been separated & detangled, however, much more light is being shed upon our individuality.

It’s strange, ya know? Not having Lian around? Well, of course you wouldn’t know, so you’ll just have to take my word for it. When so much of your life has been built around another person, all sorts of patterns form in unexpected ways. Thinking models & conceptual structures. Verbal cues and physical language. Often times I feel like an amputee with phantom sensation. Even right now, I can still feel her there. :oD

Disturb us, friend, when we are too well-pleased with ourselves;

When our dreams have come true because we have dreamed too little;

When we have arrived in safety because we have sailed too close to the shore.

Stir us, friend, to dare more boldly,

To venture seas where storms shall show Creation’s majesty.

Where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars.

Ancestral Qi

Family has always been one of the truly important aspects of my life.

To anyone in my blood relation, or who knows my history, this probably sounds funny. I’ve never been one to look forward to a Carlson get-together, or a Mattox family holiday. It’s taken me a long time to reconcile these two points. The single most helpful bit of information came from Lian’s Chinese astrological instructor. He told me to avoid Ben Stiller movies. Then, he discussed what they call the “Parents Palace.” The majority of my “dark stars” (places where I would run into difficulty) are in that location.

This made perfect sense to me. THAT’S why I’ve always sought out deep, long-term, family-like relationships with people around me (since then I've been surrounded by incredible friends that I consider family); but have always felt exhausted and constrained around my blood relatives. All I know is that I have always felt the urge to get away from them all.

Usually, when people ask about my parents, I tell them that I haven’t really seen my family in a decade. When pressed for more, I usually just say that we didn’t get along.

My family was alternately hilarious and humorless, generous and greedy, loving and indifferent. Most were obsessed with certain ideas that I did not care for, and uninterested in some concepts that continue to fascinate me. Although I enjoy movies, I would flee from every opportunity to watch with my relatives. Eating meals in a group is one of my favorite activities, but I never chose to sit around a table with my blood. Why? Were they really so bad? Well, no. Not at all. Sometimes, in fact, they were down-right pleasant. I just never really felt sunny around them.

The astrologer talked about my health and my sense of well-being quite a lot. He said that I had quite powerful “qi” (vital life energy) in both places. When I questioned why I didn’t begin to feel well until the latter half of my life, he was stymied. After a moment, however, he looked at my parents palace and asked when I stopped spending time with my family. It’s quite true that my sense of aliveness began to emerge only when I was away from them. His only advice was for me to stay away. (…and this from a Chinese perspective! They would only advise such a thing when faced with a chart like my own. Historically, I would have been sent away as a monk or some other apprentice to help balance my qi. ) I’ve decided to take the suggestion.

For years now, I’ve been undergoing some pretty substantial transformation. My whole perspective on the nature of, well…life, the universe, & everything is radically different than it was when spending time with blood. I was always unsure of how to handle this “family” business. I thought that I should wait to contact them until I was feeling clear and emotionally liberated. There should be none of those emotional knots that many kids experience with their parental units. So, I meditated and practiced other powerful Daoist arts of internal transformation for several hours every day. (Currently, I train closer to 8 or 10 hours daily.) Now, I finally feel clear enough to communicate my thoughts and feelings, and to hear what my family has to say in return. Long though it may have been, the time apart has been super important to my own sense of well-being. I don’t regret a single choice in the matter.

…Now, however, I get to see how they react. :o)

++++++++++++++++++

The limpid river runs between the bushes,

The horse and cart are moving idly on.

The water flows as if with a mind of its own,

At dusk, the birds return to perch together.

The secluded town is opposite an ancient ferry,

The setting sun now fills the autumn hills.

And far below the mountain’s tumbling ridges,

Returning home, I close the door for now.